John - 11/10/2009, 11:29 PM - Curse News
Larry Johnson, now a former Kansas City Chief, shocked the curse watching community. Most curse observer thought that Johnson's brief one year stint as an endorser of Campbell's Chunky Soup -- the most disgusting soup not made with PlayDough, ketchup and Pepsi --would limit his exposure to the evil curse.
They were wrong.
A side effect of Johnson's exposure to Campbell's Chunky Soup, a compound so lethal the federal government refuses to attack it, has been a rapid decline in mental acuity.
Johnson's mental state deteriorated so badly that he began using Twitter, a service provided free of charge by Medicare to entertain the mentally retarded.
Worse, on his Twitter feed, Johnson called Chief head coach Todd Haley, "A ginormous homo but secs vajinah."
Johnson went on to do something so immature even Twitter users hated it: he began comparing other grown men to his father.
Curse watcher Chris Berman was aghast, noting, "What is Larry? A fuckin eight year old telling another fuckin eight year old, 'Well my dad fought in both World Wars, Vietnam and he beheaded Saddam Hussein -- WITH HIS DICK!!' What the fuck Larry?!"
Johnson added to his feed, "One time, coach Haley offered to have sex with me. And I said, I only have sex with my father! Fuck you coach Haley. Real men only fuck their very accomplished dads."
CBS Cursetographer Rich Gannon was not surprised. "We know the effect of Chunky Soup on the brain. Look at Donovan McNabb. And that dude has a degree from Syracuse, which is a sort of serious school, man."
Long-time Johnson critic and former coach Dick Vermeil had his own take on Johnson's demise. "Larry Johnson was cut? Honestly, I thought he was going to have to cut Scott Pioli's fucking tires. Holy shit. That took long enough."
While Johnson's wildly homoerotic incest feed on Twitter has been closed, Americans can still enjoy the questionable taste of his website, available at http://www.toonicon.com.
The Chunky Curse denied any responsibility for the website, adding, "What the fuck is Larry Johnson's problem? Does anyone ever just say, 'Hey, Larry, man . . . only a sixteen year old girl who had just won the lottery would do a website like that, man.'"
Johnson responded, "My dad was a sixteen year old girl. Fuck you."
The Curse immediately retaliated, saying, "My dad could totally kick Larry Johnson's dad's ass. Of course, my dad was a beef cow who made juicy love to a pot of stew. But, still."
Curse follower Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette asked, "What the fuck is the deal with Larry Johnson and his dad? I had gay sex with my dad every weekend growing up, and I don't have an inferiority complex that compels to tell NFL head coaches that my dad could totally kick their dads' asses."
Johnson seemed surprised by all the concern about his dad.
Said Larry, "When I was a kid, and my dad had gay sex with me -- and he was adamant about the fact that this ritual was very, very gay -- he would tell me, 'Son, every man knows he has a little gay in him.' And he would pause. I always remember that pause, because then he would say, 'But as long as you live, you know just how much gay you have in you. Eight inches.'"
Johnson began sobbing, and added, "My dad is greatest gay icon of the 20th century. The other night I was watching that movie Milk, and I was screaming and bawling at the TV, 'Fuck you, Harvey Fenton Milk! They should've made a movie about my dad, because he knows way more about gay sex than you ever will!!!'"
Johnson's wife noted, "Yeah, we lose a lot of TVs that way. I can't even watch Ellen if Larry's in the room."
As an off-the-record aside, she added, "Grown ass man, my ass!"