John - 10/2/2009, 11:51 PM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the greatest evil to threaten American sports since the designated hitter rule, continued to pound home the message that 2009 is the year it will destroy the NFL.
Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, was listed as "very doubtful" forn the Seahawks game against the Colts this weekend.
Reporters were astonished, and asked coach Jim Mora, Jr what he meant by "very doubtful".
"I think it's obvious," said Mora. "We don't think Matt is long for this world."
Hasselbeck is described by team doctors as having difficulty breathing, a symptom that has become more common among Chunky Soup endorsers in recent seasons.
"The soup is aggressively entering his lungs," said Dr. R. Elbert Kung, of the Chunky Institute for Infectious Diseases. "The spread of the Chunky has triggered a cytokine storm, an overreaction by Matt's body, causing his whole system to shutdown. He's turning blue in the face, and soon will struggle simply to cycle air in his longs. Then he will drown in his own fluids."
Kung noted that this is not the first instance of such a death among NFL players.
"Back in 1989, Bernie Kosar was legally dead for two minutes," said Kung. "He had a similar reaction, but it was to a half gallon of Milwaukee's Best in his lungs. Bernie had been chugging using a funnel, when a couple of his lineman snuck in with a racing fuel can full of beer. Bernie choked so hard that we had to drain his lungs."
Kung laughed and added, "That was a hoot. I remember we jump started Bernie's heart -- this was after we drained his lungs using a spork and a dirty Bic pen we had fished out of a urinal bare-handed -- with a dry cell battery. Wow, he still stammers when we mention that night."
Curse watcher have been astonished at the rate at which the Curse has gone after former endorsers.
Said CBS Curetographer Steve Tasker, "The Curse isn't playing around this season. None of this wait til November crap."
The Curse was blunt when asked about its motivations, "I've come on weak too many seasons in a row. I mean, heck, Ben Roethlisberger was awake enough to win another Super Bowl. That was my wake up call. I started eating better. Laid off the tequila. Started running steep grades while pulling tackling sleds."
The Curse is expected to be in Pittsburgh Sunday night in the hopes of finally settling up with Roethlisberger.
"After all," noted the Curse, "Who's left to attack? I mean, I can attack Ben, or I can go chase a squirrel. Those are my options right now. I have so much free time right now that I'm thinking about finding a way to ensure that Terrel Davis never finds his way into the Hall of Fame."