John - 10/1/2009, 11:15 AM - Curse News
The pincer movement of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse and the Madden Curse has left the NFL praying for survival. The dual curses have left former endorsers LaDainian Tomlinson, Donovan McNabb, Troy Polamalu and Brian Urlacher on the sidelines.
The Chunky Curse is particularly proud of its efforts to destroy LaDainian Tomlinson, the San Diego Chargers runningback. With Tomlinson injured, the Chargers have replaced LT with a circus midget.
Said Chunky, "Yeah, it's pretty funny to take a guy out and see the team replace him with a person who is not of adult proportion like Darren Sproles."
Curse watchers were surprised to see the Curse take another shot at Urlacher.
Said ESPN Cursiologist Chris Berman, "Now we have to find another over-rated white guy to hype up so an entire race can not feel physically inferior. Seriously, did Asian people have a need for us to pimp Dat Nguyen? Fuck no."
Reknowned ethnologist Dr. Michael Herzfeld, the NFL's point man on all things involving white people outside the kicking and throwing positions, said, "We're looking in to allowing white America to trade for Scott Fujita from the Asians. Then we'll hype the shit out of him. That should help us get through the season-long absence of Brian Urlacher."
The Curse, a multimedia nightmare
The Curse also struck former Giants defensive lineman Michael Strahan. Stuck in retirement, and already left bereft of wealth by the evil Chunyk Curse, Strahan has been limping along doing horrible things such as starring as the before picture in those Subway commercials with Jared.
On Sept 25, Strahan, left with no other options for quick cash, appeared in an awful, awful Fox sitcom called Brothers.
Strahan noted that it wasn't all bad. "Shit, we got Carl Weathers on that show!" exclaimed Strahan. "That dude always dies! Remember Rocky IV? Predator? Little Nicky? How fuckin sweat is it gonna be when Carl Weathers dies on my show?!"
Strahan brushed off criticism that the show is a desperate movie, "Fuck you. Has Carl Weathers died on any show you've ever done? I don't care if it's a desperate move. Desperate moves have kept Terry Bradshaw in cash for decades."
TV critics are concerned about the move the Chunky Curse into television.
Said critic Maureen Ryan, "Obviously, we'd prefer TV sets not be stalked by some man shadowed by an evil curse. That said, the entertainment industry is full of horrors, such as the dead in the Wizard of Oz, or the dead guy in Ben Hur, or for that matter Carl Weathers. He dies a lot in a lot of films and shows."
The Curse expressed satisfaction with Strahan's move to TV. "Wherever these guys go, they have to know I'm going to humiliate and destroy them. It's a given. I'm glad to see a player embrace that and steer toward disaster."
Leftovers from the Super Bowl
Many Curse watchers are also concerned about the poor performance of both teams quarterbacked by cursed endorsers from the last Super Bowl.
The Curse denied any involvement.
Said the Curse, "You know, Warner's just old. And he plays in Arizona. Is it really that hard to figure that one out? As for Roethlisberger, hey, that guy's been hit so many times its amazing he can still press the buttons on his hotel room phone in order to have someone come 'fix his TV'."