John - 9/16/2009, 1:18 PM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most singular evil to strike America since the Great Chicago Cootie Outbreak of 1976, struck a long-time Curse favorite, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.
The Curse strike out of nowhere -- Carolina Panthers corner Richard Marshall jammed McNabb in the back as the QB dove hard toward the end zone to score. McNabb landed hard on a patch of turf where Fox Sports camera showed on replay there had been a Chunky Soup can sticking out.
NFL turf guru George Toma was not surprised to hear of a soup can sticking out the turf.
"It's just one of the tricks of the trade, said Toma. "Plants love Chunky Soup. We use it all the time to give the Bermuda grass that extra beefy sheen for the TV camera. Also, the big chunks of meat help the grass hold up against all those fat guys stepping on it."
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the NFL does use can of Chunky Soup to improve grass fields. "Sometimes I'll stuff some of that turf in a backpack, take it home and surprise the wife and kids with that wonderful beef broth you can only get from that lush mixture of grass, Chunky Soup, blood and man sweat."
On the heels of the Madden Curse's quick dispatch of Troy Polamalu, the Chunky Curse felt it needed to make an early statement.
"Look, everyone knows the Curses kick in in November," said Chunky. "You gotta mix it up."
Reporters have speculated that the attack represents a coming NFL apocalypse.
When asked about the coming NFL apocalypse, the Cursed deflected the question, "Really? Maybe you wanna take a look at the NFL letting the collective bargaining agreement expire. I mean, seriously, is it that hard for a group of 32 super rich dudes to get along with a couple thousand just kinda rich dudes? That'll be your NFL apocalypse."
The Eagles have already begun preparing for life with Donovan McNabb.
Several Philadelphia sports fans suggest on talk radio that the team send Michael Vick to McNabb's hospital room to "ya know, do what he did to the puppies."
Vick is currently suspended by the NFL until September 27, when the Eagles visit the Chiefs.
Until then, the Eagles starter will be Kevin Kolb, best known from his college days playing for the University of Houston Cougars, the only North American sports team named for a type of female sexual predator.
Kolb told reporters that he does feel nervous. "Yeah, some fucker taped a picture of a dead puppy on my locker and signed it, 'Best Wishes, much love, Ron Mexico'," said Kolb. "Fuck, I hate Philadelphia. What other fucking town would openly welcome Michael Vick? I mean, Vick is the kind of demonic asshole that people constantly pretend Terrell Owens is. Guh."
The city of Philadelphia declared a state of emergency today. Mayor Michael Nutter, famous from years in porn as a fluffer, issued the emergency call after it was revealed that the Madden and Chunky curses were both casing Lincoln Financial Field. Said the former fluffer Nutter, "This is a sticky situation. They've come here, and come hard. Vick, McNabb, Madden, Chunky. If there's a city left at the end of January, I'll buy every citizen a free round of drinks."
The city of Philadelphia erupted in spontaneous celebration. Said local restaurant figure Manny Paul, "Finally at long last our nightmare will be over. We will all be consumed in a blinding light of doom, burning all of this soulless city to the ground and taking its many, many shitty sports fans with it. Beautiful in its way."
Curse watcher Mitch Albom noted, "Hopefully the explosion wipes out the Philly burbs. That's where a lot of the real ass lickers that form that think scum at the top of the Philly sports stagnated shit pond live."
Apocalypse watchers are also looking to Philly for global doom. Noted student of the apocalypse Ivan Preston Freely said, "The real sign of the apocalypse is that more than two people people in Philly made the effort to express dismay that they lost McNabb. If any situation ever deserved a vocalaztion of the letter W, T and F, it would be this one. W. T. F. Really, man."