John - 9/11/2009, 9:30 AM - Curse News
The Madden Cover Curse, the most evil curse in the world when the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse takes its six weeks paid vacation every year, scored the first blow of the Evil Cursed Endorsement Deal League season, felling Steelers strong safety Troy Polamolu.
Curse followers were surprised by the method, though. The Madden Curse when for the knee, a practice more commonly used by its friendly competitor, the Chunky Curse.
In the past, the Madden Curse has opted for strange tortures. Michael Vick, on the cover of Madden 2004, was jailed for two years for dog fighting. Brett Favre, on the cover of Madden 2009, is still suffering from being an L7 weenie. And he has to go through life being Brett Favre, who is, let's be honest, kind of a douche -- a harmless douche, but a douche nonetheless. And in continuing news, Donovan McNabb, Madden 05 cover girl, still has to play in Philadelphia, home of the shittiest sports fans who ever dared to breath the air shared by actual humans while we're standing here needing it.
CBS Cursiologist Steve Tasker asked the Madden Curse why it opted for the unusual technique. "Look at Troy," said the Madden Curse, "he's a decent and virtuous guy. I was never gonna ring him with something like dog-fighting. So, I talked to my old teammate Chunky, and sure enough he said to keep simple. So, I went back to basics and got myself a knee."
Curetographer Mitch Albom noted, "In the NFL you adapt. Every season. You can't just go out every season and throw dog fighting charges and imprisonment at people. It won't work. Kudos to the Madden Curse. Evolve or die. This curse has evolved."
The change in tactics has curse watchers wandering whether or not this cross-pollination of evil cursed endorsement deal skill sets might signal a coming NFL apocalypse. There has been speculation that the legal challenge brought against Ben Roethlisberger may be the Chunky Curse taking a page from the Madden playbook.
Curse watchers are especially sensitive to the fact that many NFL rosters are now heavily cross pollinated with both Madden and Chunky curse victims. For example, Nostradamus predicted the end of the world on the exact date Michael Vick returns to pro football. With McNabb, the rare Chunky/Madden endorser, alongside Michael Vick, generally considered the worst victim of the Madden Curse, the Department of Homeland Security will raise the threat level from Orange to "We Never Thought the Scale Would Go This High, so We Didn't Assign A Color".