John - 1/28/2009, 10:44 AM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the greatest threat to civilization since the 1918 H1N1 flu strain, spent the off-week before the Super Bowl piling further despair upon LaDainian Tomlinson.
Rioting broke out in San Diego after Chargers general manager A.J. Smith told local media, "LT is a pantywaist. One time, I saw him struggle to flip the lid open on a plastic ketchup bottle. I saw him strain and strain and strain. And then, instead of the lid opening, I smelled poo. It was horrid."
Rumors abound that Smith had a sitdown with the Chunky Soup Curse, where Smith asked the Curse what it would take to make him back off. The Curse reportedly told Smith, "Trade him to Detroit."
Smith apparently approved of the idea, but inquired as to how he could avoid upsetting fans. The Curse told Smith to pull a Dick Vermeil and completely trash the guy.
So, Tomlinson took his case to the fans, and soon San Diego began to burn. Riots continue unabated throughout San Diego. The burning fires threaten San Diego's thriving sushi industry. Sushi restaurants report over $100 million in losses from cooked fish.
Smith held his ground, telling fans, "Seriously! People! Come the hell on! You don't win the Super Bowl if half your payroll is tied up in a guy who is never healthy at playoff time."
Chargers fans hollered back, "We don't win the Super Bowl anyhow! It's no big deal."
These were followed by calls for Stan Humphries and Rod Bernstein to come out of retirement.
San Diego police began randomly firing live ammunition into the crowd.
A.J. Smith applauded the move, saying, "Even if by attrition, we will one day have better fans."
Curse watchers were surprised to see such an aggressive move so early in the off-season.
Said Cursiographer Mitch Albom, "Usually the Curse is pretty mellow until draft time. At the minimum, you'd think with two endorsers in the Super Bowl that it would be focused on Tampa."
The Curse noted, "I'm an evil frakkin' curse! I can strike anywhere. Anytime. Sheezus, man."