John - 6/14/2006, 8:28 AM - wtf
The Chunky Soup Curse is the belief that every NFL player who endorses Campbell's Chunky Soup will suffer a rash of carrer- or even life-threatening injuries, failure on the field, humiliation and ultimately defeat.
Strangely, the curse does not directly stand in the way of success. It just mangles you, and eventually the mangling causes failures.
For example: Kurt Warner went to a second Super Bowl after being cursed. He just also mangled his hand the next season and had seven turnovers in a single game because of the hand. And he eventually ended up with the Arizona Cardinals.
Ben Roethlisberger mangled his knees, but went on to win a Super Bowl. But, Chunky Soup also smashed him face-first into a car.
Donovan McNabb went to the Super Bowl and nearly defeated the quasi-evil New England Patriots. But, during the whole game he was sick as hell. Plus, he had to play with Terrell Owens, voted People magazine's "Ugliest Asshole of 2004".
The Curse also seems to be proportional to how featured a player is in the ads. Players featured in campaigns alongside other players dilute the effect. Doing more commercials increases the effect. Players who don't speak go largely untouched by the Curse. And highly featured players like McNabb are doomed.
The Curse is Bullshit
The curse didn't really become The Curse until 2002. What happened to Terrell Davis and Kurt Warner from 1998 to 2001 was not seen as unusual.
Davis had a history of bad knees -- it's why he was drafted in the sixth round.
Warner ... well, he used to play for the Iowa Barnstormers and the University of Northern Iowa, a defunct feedbag factory refurbished to work as a diploma mill. Two Super Bowl appearances in three years were seen as two more than Warner had any right to.
The Curse is Not Bullshit
In 2002, the Curse went to war. Campbell's started buying up new spokesmen after their product had destroyed Davis and Warner.
They were: Donovan McNabb, Brian Urlacher and Michael Strahan.
These new spokesmen paid dearly.
McNabb appeared safe until late in the season then his ankle was inexplicably broken when it got hit by a safety (safeties are those little guys you see hanging off gigantic tight ends on those really funny pass plays near the goalline).
Urlacher did one commercial in 2002. And he paid late in the season, suffering through a shoulder stinger. His stats would fall off over the next several years. He continued to dabble in small Chunky events, and paid the price in 2004, missing 7 games.
For Strahan, who before endorsing Chunky had set the NFL single season sack record, the Curse took longer. He started out with a small role, alongside other players and eventually was a featured spokesman. Chunk tores Strahan's pectoral muscle in 2004.
Strangely, the Curse took the same time to hit Urlacher and Strahan.
Talk of the Curse abounded.
The years since have done little to stop talk of a Curse.
McNabb has continued endorsing the product, and it makes his life worse than Steve Buscemi's life in the movie Fargo.
Urlacher got off the Chunky Soup and he hasn't suffered since.
Strahan's recovery was prompt, likely due to his cold turkey quitting.
In from 2002 to present, Chunky continued to assault McNabb with everything from a chest hernia to Terrell Owens.
Chunky Soup may have also played a role in the death of Reggie White, a previous endorser and another person God could not protect from Chunky.
In 2004 and 2005, the Soup would haunt Ben Roethlisberger. First it killed his undefeated record. Then it killed his knee.
By the end of 2005, it was clear that Chunky Soup is trying to kill Donovan McNabb. Apparently a Syracuse education, while better than NFL standard, doesn't make you smart enough to avoid endorsing Chunky Soup.
A Soup to a Kill
In June 2006, Chunky Soup made its most brazen attack to date. In a Jack Ruby-esque display of impunity, Chunky Soup attacked Ben Roethlisberger in broad daylight.
Chunky hit Roethlisberger with a car while Roethlisberger was riding his motorcyle a day before he was scheduled to shoot a Chunky Soup commercial.
Chunky Soup is dangerous. Supervillian, quasi-evil New England Patriots dangerous.
It is rapidly ruining the NFL.
This must stop before the NFL is as popular as the NHL.