John - 1/18/2009, 1:28 AM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most evil curse not performed by Sicilian grandmothers, came into the cursed endorsement deal practice facility read to hit hard.
An anonymous Curse insider said the Curse practiced in full pads at full speed this Saturday in preparation for Sunday's conference championship games.
When asked about the harsh regiment, the Curse responded, "Look. L.T.'s down. No question this season was a success, but now we've got to focus and clean up some of these loose ends."
Cursetologist Mitch Albom notes, "Obviously the revival of both Kurt Warner and Donovan McNabb has put the Curse in a foaming rage."
Eagles coach Andy Reid, when informed of the hard practices this weekend by the Curse, said, "Well, the Kolb era was bound to happen sooner or later. It's better that Donovan be killed by a friend like the Curse, as opposed to scum like the entire Philadelphia Eagles organization."
The Curse was joined in practice by the Madden Cover Curse, which is looking to finally finish off McNabb.
"Coming off a good season like this year," said the Madden Curse, "I think I can do better. I mean, Michael Vick's in jail. Brett Favre might now be the most hated man in football. Shaun Alexander is sighted slightly less often than Nessie is in the Hudson River. McNabb on the other hand, he's starting to get better, and that bothers me. A lot."
With the Chunky Soup Curse banned from Arizona following a 2006 concealed firearm conviction in Tempe, Chunky is depending on the Madden Curse to take out McNabb.
Said Chunky, "We practiced hard this week. We've got a game play. I did a lot work smacking tackling dummies in the head in preparation for Ben Roethlisberger this week. I think my man Madden will get McNabb, and then I can focus on getting Warner in the Super Bowl."
Football followers were shocked to hear the prediction that the Cardinals will make the Super Bowl.
Romanian superstition requires that a person throw salt over his shoulder to ward off the apocalypse should one here mention of a Cardinals Super Bowl bid.
"That's dumb," commented Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger then fled the locker after spotting a van coming full speed down the steps at him.
The Curse added, "Expect collateral damage. Sure, Oregon football fans will love seeing Dennis Dixon in the Super Bowl, but I'm pretty sure Puittsburgh fans will be filled with fear and loathing."
Steelers backup Byron Leftwich asked, "Um, how did we get down to Dennis?"
The Curse made a slashing motion, and Leftwich went silent for several seconds before muttering, "Ooooh... thaaat."