John - 1/11/2009, 10:07 PM - Curse news
Many Curse watchers awoke from their Sunday afternoon drinking binges to discover that the Curse victims were on the march.
Curse alumni Kurt Warner, Ben Roethlisberger, Donovan McNabb and Todd Heap were instrumental in leading their teams to the AFC and NFC conference championship games.
Curse watcher Steve Tasker told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "I am stunned. Obviously, Warner is in Arizona and therefore beyond the laws of God or evil cursed endorsement deals. But McNabb and Roethlisberger? This is dangerous. Evil hasn't been in this discredited since Microsoft debuted Windows Millenium Edition."
Cursetologist Mitch Albom noted, "I mean, Todd Heap is an outlier. We're not even sure what tight ends do, or if it even involves football. But three of the four QBs being victims. That's either scary as hell or a sign that the Curse is done for."
An anonymous Cursed endorsement team insider told ChunkySoupCurse.com they hope to sign Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco this week. "Remember when Ben Roethlisberger signed during the divisional playoffs, and the commercial aired during the Steelers-Jets game?"
While scientists are glad the Earth survived the Chargers-Steelers divisional playoff game Sunday, many fear this represents an even more dangerous phase.
"Remember, Kurt Warner is only safe when he is in Arizona," said Curseiographer Tony Kornheiser, "so should the Cards make the Super Bowl, all bets are off."
Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger was calm about the whole situation, saying, "History indicates the Curse would rather kill McNabb than me."
McNabb instantly told the Philly press, "Huh? The Curse never came at me with a van! What's he talking about? Even a guy who doesn't know games end in ties knows that's way worse than having a fat guy roll your ankle! Like, duh! As if!"
Reporters attempted to contact Todd Heap, but no one could find him because people don't really know who he is.
Heap broke into an ESPN Radio studio screaming and threatening staff on-air. "I caught the critical first-down pass on our frickin drive against the Titans. THAT's who I am, ya frakkin jerks..."
Despite wounding three staff members at the radio station, Heap remains rated the sanest and safest member of the Baltimore Ravens.
Heap noted, "Yeah, a lot of people think it's Joe Flacco, but he's actually one-a-them quiet dudes who you should watch out for."
Kurt Warner and God issued a joint press release, thanking themselves for their ongoing efforts to score touchdowns, spread the Gospel and avoid death at the hands of evil Cursed endorsement deals. Said Warner, "All things are possible in the grace of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Look no further than me reviving the Arizona Cardinals, a former Mexico minor league soccer team traded away by Joe Bugel to settle gambling debts."
The Curse issued a terse statement:
"All thing in time."
Curse watchers warned Americans to build bomb shelters and not to leave them until after February 1.