John - 1/9/2009, 4:01 PM - Curse news
Cursetologist Bill Simmons announced today that his research indicates a 8.4 percent risk that the impending Steelers-Chargers AFC playoff game will spell the doom of the entire Earth.
Said Simmons, "With the arrival of LaDainian Tomlinson in Pittsburgh, the Earth transits to its greatest peril since the Cuban Missile Crisis almost became a shooting war."
Simmons in an open letter to the NFL, the FCC and the United States Congress demanded the immediate cancellation of the showdown of two of the greatest Chunky Soup Curse victims ever, Tomlinson and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.
"We all know the Curse is fixin' to waste LT," said Simmons, "and Roethlisberger is running on fumes."
Roethlisberger suffered a serious concussion in a meaningless game against the Cleveland Browns, a team that was once traded to a German Division II soccer league in exchange for a player to be named later.
LaDainian Tomlinson, a player who Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin continues to deny is his son, has been limping along with basically one good legs.
Curse doctor R. Elbert Kung, of the San Diego Institue for the Refutation of Cursed Endorsement Deals, told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "His one leg is basically hanging by half of a ligament. This sort of ligament deterioration is common among people who slurp Campbell's Chunky Soup, the least appetizing fluid exchanged by crowd members at American rock concerts."
Kung said he expect Tomlinson to die some time around 5:24 pm Sunday. "Even if he stands on the sidelines, he will die."
Simmons said he expects Tomlinson to be sidelined and Roethlisberger to play.
"Our models indicate that at 5:23 pm Sunday Ben Roethlisberger will escape the pocket and be tackled into the San Diego sideline," said Simmons. "He will collide head first with LaDainian Tomlinson's knee, causing the heretofore only theoretical Chunk Soup Curse double possession paradox and letting loose the energy of somewhere between half an M-80 firecracker and 10,000 suns."
Simmons added, "The most charitable scenario is that about half of the San Diego sideline dies instantly, along with a significant portion of folks with seats close to the field. The majority of the people in the stadium will die from exposure to such pure, glaring freak power awesomeness. Half of the people in Pittsburgh will die lingering deaths after being exposed to falling bits of Chunky Soup, which will infect them, cause their bodies to whither and eventually leave them feeble in a jellyfish-like state."
Simmon continued, "Our models indicate the most likely scenario is that the explosion will leave a crater stretch from Buffalo to Roanoke and from the eastern seaboard to Gary, Indiana. While this will have the net benefit of making Chicago officially more important than New York, it will also annihilate one third of all Americans. Oh, and probably one or two Canadians who will be killed by falling debris."
NFL commission Roger Goodell has already refused to cancel the game. Said Goodell, "God dammit! I'm ruining the NFL and soon I will mop up whatever George Bush leaves me of America, too!"
The United Nations was called into general session to address the problem.
However, the Venezuelan ambassador motioned to end the session early, noting, "Fuck the Americans. This what they get for playing a game called 'foot ball' that is mostly played with the hands. Futbol Americano est delenda. So be it."
The Chinese ambassador immediately interrupted, noting, "Who the fuckin is going to buy all the garbage we manufacture?! Seriously? You? What does Venezuela even import? Hand cream and porn! That's what!"
The session fell into disarray after the American ambassador challenged the entire Venezuelan contingent to single combat to the death.
LaDainian Tomlinson issued an apology to the world, stating, "I'm soooory. I mean, it's just ... man, I'm an NFL runningback. I gotta get while the gettin' is good, damn it! Look at Ki-Jana Carter, man. I mean, shit, that poor slob is in a nursing home now. And Jerome Bettis is turning tricks for a living. I just wanted to make enough money that all I'd ever need to do is make a couple lame car dealer commercials to make it to old age. I'm sooooory."
Ben Roethlisberger also issued a statement: "Unnng gluh-uh nuh glung nuh. Uhg-ung nupf gluh pa noo ka pa noo noo."
American readers are advised to leave the country and seek shelter along the Mosquito Coast of Nicaragua.