John - 12/10/2008, 12:05 AM - Curse News
The United States District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan dismissed a suit brought on behalf of Detroit Lions fans against the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most innocent curse since the unaired episode of The Flintstones where Barney almost beats Bam Bam to death when he mistakenly believes Bam Bam said "darn" when he was in fact saying "car".
Chief Judge Bernard A Friedman told reporters, "Never in my years of judging stuff have I seen a more baseless accusation hurled about needlessly by such desperate people."
After leaving the courthouse, the Curse said, "Innocent? Was it ever in doubt? Look, I'm sorry Lions fans, but it is time to accept that your team not only sucks, but has sucked for a long time."
Curse followers agree.
Detroit Free Press curstographer Nicholas Cotsonika, on special assignment, noted, "Yeah, you know your team sucks when your Golden Age was the Erik Kramer era. Seriously, even the Bears have a Jim McMahon era. What do we get?"
"Think about it", said Cotsonika. "The McMahon era Bears beat the Steve Grogan era Pawts. Not exactly a big shiny fucking conquest like beating the Favre era Packers, right?
"Now, the Kramer era Lions lost in the NFC Championship game to the Mark Rypien era Redskins. I mean, shit, why not just say the peak of our team's glory was losing to the Steve Everett era Rams?! Or maybe Joe Montana era Chiefs if you wanna think big. Shit, we suck so, so much."
In a press release, the Curse stated:
Let's consider the ways the Lions can be explained without casting an eye toward an evil cursed endorsement deal:
- No Lions player has even had an endorsement deal above the local used car dealer level since Barry Sanders retired.
- The Lions weren't even very good THEN.
- The last time the Lions won a championship, Steelers defensive co-ordinator Dick LeBeau was PLAYING -- fucking p-l-a-y-i-n-g -- football for them. Think about that. Dick LeBeau's youth predates the telephone and horseless carriage.
- Matt Millen is a dumbass, and yet the Ford family, or whoever now claims resposiblility for this mess, still cuts him a paycheck to feed his doubtlessly fat, ugly and borderline retarded spawn every week. Perhaps repeatedly rewarding a mutant gorilla for failure isn't a bright plan.
Try the opposite. Just for shits and grins. It might work.
And, yeah, I can picture Millen climbing to the top of the GM building and swatting at F-22s and Apache helicopters while trying to have sex with Fay Wray (well, OK, the corpse of Fay Wray, but like Millen would even notice). But, seriously, even if a quarter of the city's population died, it would be a fair butcher's bill for sending Matt Millen to the fiery abyss of hell. Where he does in fact belong.
- The Curse only attacks winners. The last time a winner was spotted in a Lions uniform, Charlie Batch played there. And he left to become another team's third-string QB!! Ponder that for a few seconds. It will make your ears ring thinking about it.
- Detroit is a bit of a hell hole. The downtown looks like Lebanon after the Israelis withdrew. And the Detroit River is cold as fuck. Seriously. Buy some heating elements for that goddamned thing.
Also, your city council's website's home page starts with a threat to take people's homes: that's what we around these parts call really fuckin classy. I doubt this inspires a lot confidence in free agents, considering most football players end up dispossessed within a decade of leaving the NFL anyhow.
Detroit city council (see? wii do transitional material) is reportedly drafting several plans for dealing with the continuing failures of the Lions.
Councilman Kwame Kenyatta said, "Could we do like Baltimore? Get rid of our crappy NFL team, maybe pack them up in Mayflower trucks and ship them off to Las Vegas or Toronto. Then wait a couple years. Get a CFL team and impress the NFL with good attendance to those games. Then ditch the CFL team and steal the Cleveland Browns."
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell immediately nixed the plan to take the Cleveland Browns and relocate them to Detroit.
Said Goodell, "Seriously! Do people have souls where you live? Taking the Browns twice. I wouldn't do that to my dog, and the police record clearly indicates I would do pretty much any manner of evil to my dog."
Goodell added, "Maybe we could give you guys the Seahawks. I mean, it would kind be like mixing the CFL plan with the Browns plan, right? So it would be, like, waaaay quicker."
Detroit immediately began seeking a bond sale to help the Seahawks relocate to the Detroit area and renamed them the Detroit 8 Milers, much in the same tradition that Baltimore's new team was named the Ravens, in honor of native son Edgar Allen Poe's famous poem, The Raven.
Lions management was stunned by the move.
"Where do we go?" asked some guy who claims to own the team.
Much like the devil appearing before a wayward traveler, a host of evil fuckers from Oklahoma City appeared offering to relocate the franchise there.
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett said, "We executed our genius plan to forcibly rape Seattle and take possession of the NBA's worst team evah. Now we can expand our collection to include the worst team in NFL history."
Mayor Cornett added, "Soon we will take possession of the Pittsburgh Pirates, and we will have the world's finest collection of raw sporting sucktitude. Then people will know OKC is the kinda place you live when you have assloads of cash pissing you off so bad you just gotta burn it importing unwanted and unwantable sports franchises!"
The Curse noted, "Wow... that's kinda sick. Even by my low standards. I mean, I'm sure some vile degenerate like Bill Belichik has a raging hard-on right now, but for my part I find this whole mess kind of offensive."
ChunkySoupCurse.com note: dear readers. We luvs ya. But please don't email us asking how our beloved cursed endorsement deal can be tainted by something as foul the Detroit Lions.
We don't have much for tradition to uphold here. But, come on! The Lions suck because that team has been mismanaged since the beginning of the modern era.
Somewhere out there in this world right now Andre Ware is sitting in his, well, probably a hovel or cardboard box, snickering with self-satisfaction at the idea that he isn't even the worst QB to wear number 11 for Lions.