John - 11/25/2008, 11:22 AM - Curse News
Last Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles finally took their least favorite dog, quarterback Donovan McNabb, and shot him in the face, benching him in favoring of backup Kevin Kolb, what was recently fired as an assistant manager at the Doylestown Wal-Mart.
Many sports fans were quick to blame the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, an entity more cursed than all cattle, according to the Book of Genesis. But, the Curse denies all involvement.
"Look, I get how the soup has fouled his brain enough to keep playing in an armpit like Philadelphia," said the Curse, "But I was not on that field that day."
Curse watcher Chris Collinsworth commented on his Twitter account, "Sure. And the Russians weren't involved in the Kennedy assassination. Rightie-o, daddy-o. Sure."
The Curse threw back right away, issuing a press release stating:
"In my many decades of service to the League of Extraordinary Cursed Endorsement Deals, I have never faced such baseless accusations. Let me state without equivocation: I was not there.
"Has anyone considered the fact that coach Andy Reid conducts his affairs at a level befitting a pimp? No.
"Has anyone ever considered that Philadelphia is an asscrack of a town? No.
"Has anyone ever considered that the Eagles are an asscrack of a team? No.
"Has anyone considered the fact that Philadelphia has never had a decent receiver, ever? No.
"You say, 'But, Curse, they did once get Terrel Owens.' I say back: exactly! What kinda chickenshit move is that?! The one time they get a serviceable receiver and he's a team-wrecker who will never win a championship!
"Donovan McNabb is the only reason the Eagles ever contended in the last decade. And Philly treats him like he's Ryan Leaf.
"Sure, he signed an evil cursed endorsement deal. But, it's not like it mattered: God will never let the Eagles win a championship ever. As long as the so-called humans who call themselves Eagles fans roam this earth, you will be condemned to point to some dumbass highlight reel in black and white to claim you were ever champs! Ha! Nothing pre-Lombardi counts, you jagoffs!
"The next time you want to blame an evil, cursed endorsement deal, take a long, hard, non-sexual look in the mirror and ask yourselves, 'Is it us? Are we the problem?'
"Good night, and good luck with that."
Cursetographer Steve Tasker dismissed the wordy proclamation out of hand, saying, "It's frickin' evil cursed endorsement deal. That makes no sense to wordily deny its involvement in the demise of a man it clearly helped ruin."
Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffery Lurie said the team would take steps to not suck, but that fans probably shouldn't expect much.
Said Lurie, "Who the hell do you think we are? The Steelers? Ha! Wrong side of the state. Might as well be another state."
NBC Cursiologist Keith Olbermann noted, "It kills me when people think the Eagles are going to get better. It's like when a retarded child talks to a pretty girl. Sure, it's sweet. But he ain't getting even to first base, gang."
The Curse said it will continue its quest to kill Ladainianiantomlinson at all costs.
The Curse expressed frustration this week, saying, "That sonofabitch just keeps getting up. Sure the team ain't gonna make the playoffs, but that ain't what this curse is about, kids."
The Curse also swore off any connection to the recent resurgence of Kurt Warner.
"Arizona is a land beyond the laws of God and man," said the Curse, "Evil curses don't tread there. Sorry. It's in the contract."
The Curse also has faced open rebellion from former endorsers Larry Johnson and Ben Roethlisberger.
"Keep in mind, though," the Curse said, "that Larry Johnson still has to live life as Larry Johnson. I see no reason to further intervene there."
As to the matter of Roethlisberger, the Curse said, "Hey... that guy keeps playing through all kinds of awful things. I mean, I hit him in the face with a frickin van! Whattaya want from me? Another van?!"
Some Curse watchers have speculated that the Curse will use the Arizona Cardinals trip to Philadelphia to conduct a sneak attack on Kurt Warner while claiming he was shooting for Donovan McNabb. Look for soup and feathers to fly Sunday.