John - 9/18/2008, 3:20 PM - Curse news
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, recently appointed the vengeful living god of a cargo cult in Papua New Guinea, struck the NFL early and hard. Chargers runningback LaDainian Tomlinson, the greatest LT since Lawrence Tynes suffered an injury to his big toe.
After touching the ball only 12 times in the Chargers heartbreaking loss to the Ed Hochulli-led Denver Broncos, Tomlinson has been suffering from a sore big toe on his right foot.
Chargers doctor R. Elbert Kung told the media, "The swelling is clearly consistent with a Chunky Soup infection. We plan to amputate above the right knee later this week."
Chargers coach Norv Turner said he didn't view the amputation as a big deal.
"Look at Kurt warner's shiny new cyborg killing arm," said Turner. "Holy hell! The Cardinals are undefeated after two games this season! Can you even imagine the Chargers if LT gets one'a them robot legs? Wow. Just wow, man."
Curse watchers were surprised to see the Curse strike so early in the NFL regular season. Traditionally, if the Curse doesn't attack during training camp, it waits until November.
The Curse told reporters, "Look. Tomlinson obviously is a special case. He's a future Hall of Famer. All I can do is shift the HoFer debate into Terrell Davis territory as opposed to Emmitt Smith territory."
The Curse added, "With a guy like LT, I thought it was necessary to change things up. Everyone knows I've done motorcycle accidents in the preseason and knee injuries in November. But a toe injury in September?"
Curse follower Tony Kornheiser said, "It's amazing. The Curse is just amazing. You think it's getting old and can't do it anymore and BAM!"
CBS Cursetographer Steve Tasker noted, "I had talked to Campbell's executive early in the week last week. Confidentially, they told me they thought this was their window. They knew the Chargers don't like to expose LT in the preseason. And with the Pats now likely to be Buffalo's bitch, they knew they'd get little in January. They told me, 'Steve, we're gonna get that sunnamabitch this week. You just watch.'"
Tomlinson, while hobbled, may yet be able to play. Doctors are hoping Tomlinson can heal quickly and see regular playing time.
However, many San Diego fans called into local radio stations to complain about the Chargers' decision to let Michael Turner leave for Atlanta.
Turner told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "Yeah, it's great to be a starter. But, wow... I don't know how many games we're gonna lose this season. Man... stupid salary cap."
Fans agreed with Turner's assessment that the NFL should implement a magically happy salary cap, similar to the one used by the Red Sox and the Yankees in beisbol americana.
The Chargers plan to go forward, using an offense with two guards, seven receivers and three quaterbacks.
Said coach Turner, "Without LT, it's probably more productive to risk the penalty and play with an extra man on the field every down. I'm hoping the net benefit exceeds five yards. But, who really knows?"