John - 8/27/2008, 2:33 PM - Curse news
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the darkest dangerous vortex of evil outside of the Republican Senate Campaign Committee, broke camp Tuesday, saying good-bye to its roommate, the Madden Cover Curse, with little to be excited about. With one endorser this season, the Chargers' LaDainian Tomlinson, sitting the whole preseason, the Curse has largely focused on drills and workouts.
Dr. R. Elbert Kung, the strength and conditioning coach for the squad of evil cursed endorsement deals, said, "It's a long season. Anyone who knows Chunky knows that he wants to be their in November. September's something the Curse survives. When the run for the playoffs comes, that's when we want to be ready."
The Curse said, "I've been working on drills. Like the other day, we practiced rolling fat guys into a dummy's legs. Later we practiced grabbing guys from behind and buckling their knees with an awkward takedown."
Chunky added with a laugh, "You know, the fundamentals."
The Curse has already tagged Tomlinson once, with the help of the Indianapolis Colts during the 2007 playoffs.
Curse watcher John Clayton of ESPN notes, "The real question is whether the Curse ratchets the pain up to a McNabb level of suffering, or if the Curse shows some respect for the future HoFer and calls it at a Terrell Davis level of misery."
Chargers coach Norv Turner, who has rested Tomlinson all preseason, commented, "We've been keeping LaDainian off motorcyles and away from vans on the expressway. In fact, we've been keeping him in bubble wrap."
Dr. Kung felt the bubble wrap helped the Curse. "Well, I mean, his muscles will atrophy. That can't be good, right?"
The Senior circuit
Many watchers felt the Curse would use the downtime to target members of the Cursed senior circuit, such as Ben Roethlisberger or Kurt Warner. So far that hasn't materialized.
CBS's dedicated Curse watchman Steve Tasker said, "Obviously, the Curse is hands-off with Kurt Warner. Besides, Kurt still has to play in Arizona. That's pretty bad even healthy."
Cardinals fans were buzzing about the possible return of last season's cyborg killing arm. Warner wore the menacing piece of hardware for much of the 2007 season. It has yet to debut in 2008.
Cursetographer Andrea Kramer said, "We're being told by doctors and scientists from Cyberdine Systems that Warner has replaced the exoskeleton cyborg killing arm system with their brand new cyborg killing arm, made to look like a real human arm."
Kramer added, "Warner underwent an amputation at the shoulder to facilitate the procedure, and his coaches are happy with the results so far."
Warner refused comment.
Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt said, "We're so happy with Kurt's new left arm it probably won't be long before lop off the right arm! Shit. We might even have them scoop out Matt Leinarts brain and replace it with a Game Boy running a copy of Madden 99."
McNabb: still alive
Curse watchers were astonished to see Donovan McNabb not only still alive, but still a starter for the Philadelphia Eagles.
Eagles teammate Brain Westbrook said, "It's no surprise to me. everyone knows Donovan and Coach Reid have a, um, you know, wink-wink, special relationship."
Upon hearing such news, the Cursed endorsement deal team issued a statement:
"Any coach who harbors a victims of our Curses risks becoming a victim himself.
"That is all."
Reid shrugged off the ominous warning. "I live in Philly with two sons as deep into the bad life as you possibly can be. A can of soup and some fat guy's video game cover hardly scare me."
Will the Curse help New England again?
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse commented after practice Wednesday about the possibility of a new alliance with the New England Patriots, the most dangerous ally since Hirohito and Mussolini signed off as Hitlers BFFs.
"I'd certainly work with Belichik again," said Chunky, "But our roving alliances will be facilitated on an evil-by-evil basis as needed."
Belichik surprised many by reaffirming his willingness last week to work with the evil Curse again. Many Pawts watchers were surprised, after the Curse left the Pats hanging against the New York Giants, a team recently demoted to Italian Series B soccer after proving unable to field a team for the 2008 NFL season.
Said Belichik, "Look, when you dabble in the dark materials, you know what you're getting into. I need evil to get past LT last season, I went to the poison well and I got what I wanted. Evil screws you. I know that.
Belichick added, "After evil screws you, you make your own luck. On flip side, when was the last time good did anything for anyone? 75% is a pretty high success rate for using the forces of evil during the Super Bowl if you ask me."
Pats QB Tom Brady added, "Really, was the Giants victory a victory for good? Do we really want to live in a world where siding with New Yorkers qualifies as good?"