Todd Heap: yeah, the Curse loves tight ends

- 8/7/2008, 3:16 PM - Victims

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse is thorough.

How thorough, you ask?

So thorough that the Curse, in the midst of demolishing the #1 and #2 rushers in the NFL took time to destroy an All-Pro tight end. Tight ends are those really big guys who catch passes. You'll see the safeties (little guys) piling on six, seven at a time desperately hoping to get caught in the TE's cleats and cause him to trip.

And Todd Heap was one of the best.

Already familiar with pure evil as a member of the Baltimore Ravens, the only sports franchise currently facing hard time as a collective, Heap thought he could handle evil. After all, he did have to talk to Ray Lewis every day. How could a lowly soup be worse than facing Ray Lewis?
Well, Ray Lewis has limits.

The Chunky Soup Curse is pure evil. An evil that only exists to destroy life. It doesn't care about money or fame. It only wants to destroy life.

And destroy it did.

Todd Heap was a traditional November victim of the Curse. Harvested the same week as the Chiefs' Larry Johnson, most of the world was barely aware Heap had left the field.

Said Curse follower Mitch Albom, "I was unaware the Ravens even played last season. I mean, I guess that explain why the Browns and the Steelers did so well, with you know, two games against the Ravens."

Todd Heap, the tightest end outside of women's tennis, developed a nagging hamstring injury in October. The injury would go away, and neither did the Ravens' crappy season.

Eventually, the Ravens decided that letting Heap's body degenerate under and evil curse during a losing season was madness.

Then-coach Brian Billick, the most over-rated coach since the NFL implemented the over-rating system for coaches in 1982, said, "You see, my team doesn't have actual players or talents. I mean, I'm a guy who had to win a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer. So, you see, we suck. So, I couldn't risk a guy like Todd needlessly."

The Ravens sent Heap to the injured reserve, but to no avail.

With the 2008 season into preseason, Heap is already showing signs of further deterioration associated with acute Chunky poisoning. He left practice with an injured calf.

Dr. R. Elbert Kung, professor of chunkidemiology at Johns Hopkins, said he expects Heap to be dead by October.

"I mean, it's a frickin guess," said Kung. "No, scratch that. I'm just making this up."

The Ravens can only pray that as the Curse narrows its focus to kill LaDainian Tomlinson in 2008, that Heap manages to survive.

Time will tell.


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