John - 6/11/2008, 12:48 AM - Victims
Larry Johnson once seemed an unlikely victim of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the worst thing to happen to soup since chilling.
Early in his career as a runningback with the Kansas City Chiefs, a team so horrendous that then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue threatened to force them to play on a practice field until "they look like they've practiced", Johnson had a rough time with the coach who had drafted him.
Johnson played behind Preist Holmes, the mostly devoutly named player in the NFL. Coach Dick Vermeil had a dim opinion of Johnson, once calling him a "sniveling twat" and saying he should "take the diapers off, cause that's how I like my sexy... you know, um, removing his diapers".
The repeated insults by a man, Dick Vermeil, who was once described by Sports Illustrated as "a flapping face full of non-masculine vag-i-ness" drove Johnson past the point of insanity. Johnson began randomly mailing threatening notes to coach Vermeil, which got lost. On time Johnson asked Vermeil about the lost notes, and Vermeil retorted, "You fucked up sending a death threat through the US Postal Service? Wow."
But, Larry Johnson received some help from God. Not just any god, but the exact same God who once blessed Vermeil vag hugger Kurt Warner, also. Little known to anyone outside the University of Texas, God has long had a goal of making Preist Holmes sit on benches behind power backs who break like candy canes.
Holmes had previous crossed paths with Rick Williams, world-famous body-builder slash rastaffarian slash failed running back, while in college.
God, thoroughly displeased that Holmes got a starting job after his college humiliation, decided to aid the most unworthy football player he could find: Larry Johnson.
God rapidly dispensed Holmes with a series of nagging neck injuries that forced him into retirement.
However, anytime God assists an NFL players, one can rest assured that Satan, in the guise of Campbell's Chunky Soup, shall appear.
Following an impressive pair of seasons in 2005 and 2006, where Johnson -- completely without the assistance of diapers or Dick Vermeil -- went to two Pro Bowls and was the second leading rusher in the NFL, did the unthinkable.
Johnson signed on to endorse Campbell's Chunky Soup, the worst endorsement since David Duke joined Barrack Obama's failed 2000 run for the House of Representatives.
The endorsement quickly haunted Johnson.
Green Bay Packers linebacker A.J. Hawk, who would go on to be the consensus Evil Curse Helper Rookie of the Year, the first non-safety to ever win the honor, pulled Johnson from behind. johnson hurt his footsie, and was immediately wrapped in diapers and taunted by Dick Vermeil.
Vermeil went on to say, "Larry Johnson is a cunt. No qualification is needed. It isn't a joke. Larry Johnson a pink slit of never-ending suffering brought on by God as punishment for, um... I really don't know where I'm going with this... I mean... an allegory? Nah, I just said Larry suffers from unqualified cuntitude, right? Bah, forget it. Just write down, 'Dick Vermeil is a coot... and his first name is slang for some type of genital.'"
Johnson hopes to return for the 2008 campaign. However, doctors are fearful that LJ will die on the football field. Said Dr. Seamus McIntyre, "We're fearful Larry will die on the football field."
The league however, continues to endorse killing Johnson sooner, rather than later. The Chief are expecte to receive medical clearance to play Johnson this pre-season.