How the Curse works, 2008 edition

John - 6/11/2008, 12:18 AM - WTF

Every season, as foozball approaches with a twinkle in its eyes and freshly reconstructed knees ready to spring forth, it is worth pausing to remember how the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most unlikely fluid flushed from China's recently formed and then drained "quake lake", works.

First and foremost, your withdrawal from Chunkistan in no way entitles you to a life without misery and pain. Ask Kurt Warner. He's still pulling down a paycheck from the Arizona Cardinals.
Second, retirement does not protect you. Ask Reggie White. Never mind. You cannot ask Reggie White. Look it up on Wikipedia if you're not fan enough to know why.

Third: being a god-like future Hall of Famers means nothing to the Curse. Ask LaDainian Tomlinson.

Fourth: the Curse will gladly accept the assistance of all who are evil enough to aid it. This is mostly strong safeties. We long ago learned from jack Tatum that safeties are seriously depraved folks who find committing horrific acts of life-ending violence against other human beings to be the only thing that stimulates their pleasure centers.

Fifth: the Curse loves safeties. All safeties. Without question. The Curse wishes to return to the era when NFL Films was mostly dedicated to freeze frames of Don Beebe's right ear being tacked permanently to his left shoulder by some safety on a head hunting mission.

Sixth: the Curse is happily single and loving the swinger life. The Curse does believe in true love, but does not believe in forcing the issue. When the Chunky Soup Curse sees the right set of cans, it will know it is time to settle down and make some hot stew.

Seventh: really? You've read this far?

Eighth: The Curse is not to blame for the destruction of professional football. All that blame lies with Roger Goodell and his band of elderly billionaires who aren't quite sure who to just enjoy being stinkin' rich and able to pay negroes for hurting each other for our entertainment.

Ninth: Still there? OK. Here goes... ninthsies it is... The Curse will kill both Donovan McNabb and Ben Roethlisberger. It will do so at a time of its own choosing. No whining. No exceptions.

Tenth and tenthmost: The Curse attacks defensive players. Ask Reggie White. Oh, wait, you can't.

Those're the rules, kids.


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