John - 5/12/2008, 12:09 PM - Curse News
The Campbell's Soup Company, a joint venture of Omni Consumer Product and Weyland-Yutani, announced today that its 2008 Chunky Soup ads will feature LaDainian Tomnlinson.
Current details indicate Tomlinson will be the sole spokesman featured in the campaign.
Chunky Soup Curse watchers were stunned. Said long-time Curstographer Steve Tasker, "I think the Campbell's may be trying to see if they can get a man actually killed on the football field. There really is no other rational explanation."
The Curse itself expressed disbelief, "I know I can take down LaDainian Tomlinson."
Some Curse watchers pointed out that the Curse needed the assistance of the Supreme Evil, the New England Patriots, the most deadly scourge since the notorious cooties outbreak of 1988 shut down Peach Grove Elementary.
The Curse shrugged it off. "I have my agents of evil. Just like the devil or George W. Bush, I got people that do the evil for me. What do you think I am, like a serial killer? What's wrong with you?"
The Curse added that all this does is given him more time to focus on former spokesmen.
"I think this is good for everyone involved," said the Curse. "I get a chance to attack a few of these guys like DeMarcus Ware who are still floating around largely unharassed."
Donovan McNabb was reportedly checked into a Philadelphia hospital with chest pains after hearing the news.
In a statement, McNabb's attorney said the quarterback will sue the Curse in federal court for breach of contract should it attempt to kill him. "The Curse let Mr. McNabb off the hook, and off the hook he shall stay."
Legal experts questioned the move, noting that it is not possible to sue incorporeal entities or abstractions in America's federal court system.
LaDainian Tomlinson answered reporteers questions about the choice this weekend at a press conference.
"I figure, the Curse never killed Donovan McNabb, right?" said Tomlinson. "And the thing is, have you ever seen a big sack of cash, I mean like the size of Volkswagen, dangled in front of you? They even put a large green dollar sign on the side of the sack. I couldn't refuse."
Chunkysoupcurse.com special medical correspondent Mahmet Oz said he believes Tomlinson will actually die on the field Sunday, November 16 at 5:13pm while the Chargers are visiting the Pittsburgh Steelers.
"It's just a guess," said Oz, "but I figure the Curse will try to double up and attack Ben Roethlisberger. That's been an annoying loose end for a while."
Many observers question why the Campbell's company would take such a huge risk, essentially order the public execution of a Hall of Famer by a demonic entity beyonds the laws of God and man.
When asked about the death sentence, Campbell's brand manager Doug "This is My Real Name and Job Title" Brand said, "The thing you have to understand is... we just, um, don't give a fuck."
Brand added, "The NFL has shippin these guys to an early grave for years. Sure, it's sadistic, but you tune in every week and watch concussions and broken legs being inflicted by three hundred pound men who run like gazelles. Really, the question becomes, what's wrong with you?"
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the most incompetent leader since Mayor McCheese left Richmond in disgrace following his alleged connections to Salvadoran gun runners, said nothing was wrong with people who watch the NFL.
"Seriously, nothing," Goodell said.
Curse watcher Tony Bruno noted, "Goodell is only three IQ points above legally retarded. And he will be remembered as the ass who ruined pro football. Keep that in mind when the wind causes his face hole flap. Few of his words mean much."
Cursetographer Steve Tasker agreed, "Goodell on a good day is dumber than Ben Roethlisberger after one of his many, many concussions."
The Curse said it will approach this season like any other.
"One game at a time, " said the Curse. "I'm steady. You all know that. I wear and I wear. And come November they start breaking."