John - 2/4/2008, 1:05 AM - Curse News
The New England Patriots, the worst threat to civilization since Mongols conquered half of Eurasia, discovered that they are not and will never be the greatest evil in the National Football League.
Two weeks after the Pats revealed their secret pact with the Campbell's Chunky Soup, the nastiest product not associated with feminine itching, and its dreaded Curse, they were betrayed.
Said the Curse, "I got what I wanted from the Pats. I needed them to destroy LaDainian Tomlinson."
Bill Belichik, who was declared the NFL's greatest coach ever after ritually consuming the remains of Vince Lombardi, confessed an admiration for the Curse. "Evil is a business. I respect any force for evil that knows that betrayal isn't a choice, it's an imperative."
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, the dandiest scamp outside a Charles Dickens novel, was aghast. "We're evil? And people have known this for how long without telling me...? Am I evil? Is that how I got all this top shelf pussy? Evil? E-V-I-L?"
Curse followers warned this day would come. Said CBS Curtographer Steve Tasker, "It's an evil frickin' curse. It's not here to be your friend."
Cursiologist Rich Eisen adds, "Just as Hitler and Stalin knew they would part ways following the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact, Belichik and the Curse knew this day would come. Belichik just gambled that without the evil Curse he could still win using other evil techniques, such as illegal video taping. He was wrong."
The Patriots admit to taping the New York Giants. But, Pats owner Bob Kraft cried foul, "Nowhere on those tapes was there any footage of the Giants defensive line killing Tom Brady every play. This is unfair."
Boston area fans have responded as would be expected. "They are crying like bitches," said an unnamed Boston police officers. "As usual. God, I'm so ashamed to be a fan along with these douchebags."
What about Strahan?
Many observers question why the Curse allowed Michael Strahan, likely playing his last game as a pro, to have such a great game.
The Curse answered, "Look at it this way. I have a choice. Wreck a guy I've already wrecked or stop the emergence of a greater evil than me. I made a choice. I don't expect you to understand it. I do expect you to abide by it."
Curse followers note the choice is typical of the Curse.
The Curse has had a long-standing policy of defending its position as the greatest evil in the world. In 1999, the Curse killed a bus full of school children because of its belief that one of the children would invent a candy bar so cursed its endorsers would die minutes after signing.
The Curse said it plans to rest a few weeks and then come back refreshed and ready. "I still have a few guys from the 2007 rookie crop to get. If I were Maurice Jones-Drew I'd avoid motorcycles this off-season. Ditto for DeMarcus Ware."
The Curse said it expects a new recruiting class to be assembled some time around the end of April or beginning of May.
"It could be tough slogging," said the Curse. "After wiping out the top two rushers from 2006, and a clear Hall of Famer in Tomlinson, players will be much more wary of coming near me."
Curse followers disagree. Former Curse victim Donovan McNabb, officially clean for over a year, said, "Look. It's cash. Money. Evil cursed money spends a little better than never-got-paid money."