John - 1/21/2008, 2:12 AM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the world's leading source of ill-begotten nutrition, entered the 2007 season being told it had lost a step. Observers claimed the Curse had bitten off too much by attacking the league's top two rushers and six other NFL stars. Said Curse observer Stuart Scott, "The Curse bit off too much going after LT and LJ in the same season."
But with the end of the AFC Championship Game, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse stands astride the great continent of North America as the conqueror of its greatest sport, the National Football League, and in alliance with the New England Patriots, the most powerful force for evil since a snake told a chick to eat an apple.
Announced the Curse, "LaDainian Tomlinson is officially decreed a victim of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, on this date of January 20, 2008."
The Curse launched its assault fast, and decimated the San Diego Chargers in the process. Tomlinson carried the ball only two times before leaving the game against the Patriots for good.
Team doctors said that Tomlinson was showing organ failure, typical of the later phase of endorsing evil cursed soups. "This is between LT, God and the Curse now," said Dr. R. Elbert Kung.
An alliance for evil
The attack, a killing blow to the Chargers, was part of a co-ordinated effort to ensure that the greater evil, the New England Patriots, passed unscathed into the Super Bowl for the fourth time in seven seasons.
"I'm proud to be associated with the Curse, " said Pats coach Bill Belichik. "It's an honor to win. And everything else is dishonor. Seriously. Why haven't the Chargers committed ritual suicide yet?"
Curse followers are already debating whether the Curse will take a shot at Michael Strahan, the last cursed player still in the NFL playoffs.
"I don't see it being necessary," said Cursetographer Peter King. "The Curse will hold its fire."
Cursiologist Ron Jaworski disagreed, "The Pats need the Curse. The Giants came crazily close to taking out the Pats at the end of the season."
The Curse was glib, saying, "I'll do what I do. And after that I'll start over, working on Donovan McNabb's self-esteem. Or maybe I'll throw Ben Roethlisberger face-first into a another van. That was a real lark!"
Curse watcher Steve Tasker expressed grave doubts that the Curse will deliver for the Pats. "It's an evil frickin Curse. Really, would you trust it?"
The Curse will finish 2007 with a record haul, having knocked off freshmen victims Jonathan Vilma, Todd Heap, Larry Johnson and LaDainian Tomlinson. LJ and LT were the second and first leading rushers in the NFL in 2006, and neither had a history of injuries.
Many thought the Curse couldn't claim an injury-free future Hall of Famer such as Tomlinson. The Curse, as always happens, proved them wrong.