John - 12/30/2007, 2:23 AM - Curse news
The Campbell's Chunky Chunky Soup Curse, a distinctly smaller evil in football than the New England Patriots, made a brief statement about the Pats' 16-0 record.
In a press release, the Curse said:
"I'm proud to see I am not the only evil force trying to wreck the NFL these days. Sure, left to his own devices, Roger Goddell, our beloved and betrothed commissioner, could do it. But, I want to live to see the NFL in ruins before I leave this Earth and return to Hell.
"A pass-first team that can't defend the run or the short pass shouldn't win one game, let alone sixteen games. But, NFL offensive coordinators are ashamed to run the ball these days, and therefore the Pats go undefeated. That, and of course their faith in Satan.
"I saw the game against the Giants in person. And I am proud that one team, one truly evil team, refuses to let its players endorse Campbell's Chunky Soup. Could you even imagine a guy as dreamy as Tom Brady eating soup? Neither can I.
"I only had one player on the field, the mighty Michael Strahan. If I had needed to intervene and change the game, I could have. But, Bill Belichik has a ring of demon fire around him that turns hope to ashes, love to hate, wonder to doom and the New York Giants into the usual wimpering bitches they will always be.
"Eli Manning, endorse me. Anyone dumb enough to demand a trade from San Diego to the Giants deserves me. Call my agent this off-season. We'll talk.
"In conclusion, I'd like to finish with a quote.
"Evil always wins because good is stupid.
"Good night, and good luck. Except to Roethlisberger, LT, LJ, McNabb, Warner, Vilma, Heap, Hester, Urlacher, Strahan, Davis ... ah... that's enough. Do people outside Dallas even know who DeMarcus Ware is? Probably JaMarcus Russell's cousin, ja-right?
"Thank you for attending. No questions. Or I'll hit yuo with a chair. Thanks."