John - 11/16/2007, 11:45 AM - Curse News
Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson has begun his demise, courtesy of Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most hideous fluid seen during my recent STD consultation. The Chiefs medical staff reports that Johnson has a foot injury, with a broken bone.
However, Dr. Seamus McIntyre, of the Chunky Institute for Chunkiography, said Johnson's prognosis is much worse than has been reported. He notes, "Chunky Soup poisoning is often first noticed in porous bones. However, Larry has advanced much more rapidly than some other victims."
The doctor said that Johnson's bones are not turning porous like other victims have experienced. Instead, Johnson's bones are turning to powder inside his body.
"It is only a matter of time until Larry Johnson resembles a huge jellyfish," he said.
Curse follower Mitch Albom said this likely won't stop Johnson from playing. "Jesus Christ! Ted Washington and Pat Williams are both just basically 375 pound jellyfish trapped on land. That hasn't stopped them from playing. And the Chargers went to a 3-4 formation because it takes four linebackers to wheels Williams on a cart down the field on each play."
However, Sport Illustrated Curse historian Peter King said he doesn't see this working out so well for Johnson. "Well, you see, Pat Williams is a nose tackle in a 3-4. He doesn't actually have to move, except after the play is dead. That gives the linebackers 40 seconds to wheel his fat ass down the field."
King added, "Larry on the other hand plays a position where he has to get himself down the field."
Johnson, for his part, is defiant. "Yes, I endorsed an evil soup. But I also managed to play at Penn State without becoming a rapist. I can overcome any handicap."
Many people questioned whether the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse could handle everything it had on its plate this season.
"Soup doesn't serve too well on a plate. Especially in large amounts. I'm impressed," said CBS Curse reporter Steve Tasker.
Ravens tight end Todd Heap, the tightest end outside of women's pro tennis, has developed a lingering hamstring injury that started in October and has limited his playing time the last two weeks. Heap is like out for Week Ten of the 2007 NFL season.
Cursetographer and Ravens team doctor Andrew Tucker said he figures to conduct an autopsy of Heap sometime after Week Eleven. "It's only reasonable to assume Todd will be dead by then, right? Why waste the time fighting the inevitable?"
Asked if there was anything that could be done to help Heap, Tucker said, "Build a time machine and go back and hit his agent in the head with a pipe before he actually took that evil phone call from the Campbell's people."
"Had they talked to me before signing that contract, I would have told Todd he was gambling with his life," said Tucker. "Just look a Reggie White. Who in a first world country dies before the age of 45? Answer: people who endorse evil cursed soups, that's who."
A new agent of the Curse
Many Curse followers are abuzz at the question of whether the Curse is trying to bring on a new agent. A.J. Hawk of the Green Bay Packers denies taking any of the evil Curse's money for his injuring Larry Johnson. But, ESPN is reporting that Hawk bought a vacant warehouse in Green Bay and is planning to renovate it into a very hip and stylish loft style apartment to have for himself and "his bee-yotches".
Hawk said the story was untrue. "Bee-yotches? Are you aware that usage went out of style years ago, dawg? Word, yo."
The Curse is also denying it has a new hitman. "I have a crew. And we don't share names. We're business about all that we do. You want fame and celebrity you're just going to have to look past professional football."
Seniors Tour update
Kurt Warner of the Arizona Cardinals, the team that God forget yet somehow remembered to bury like a cat turd, is still playing with his demonic carbon-fiber composite cyborg killing arm. Said Warner, "My sporty new cyborg arm gives me the ability to eye gouge defenders, spin out tackles and throw the ball all in a single fluid motion."
Warner added, "Thanks Cyberdyne Systems."
Asked about what he plans to do with his evil cyborg killing arm in the off-season, Warner speculated he may decide to attempt kill Sarah Connor. "Just seems like the thing to do."
Roethlisberger showing no ill effects
After being knock out for part of the Monday night game against the Ravens, Pittsburgh Steelers Curse vet Ben Roethlisberger was able to play all game against the Cleveland Browns, the only team in the NFL that insists on wearing their throwback uniforms every weekend.
Said Ben, "I think I might have gotten off the evil soup soon enough. Because I'm OK, but Donovan McNabb has been awful this season."
He added, "Man, thank God for those guys like Larry Johnson and LaDainian Tomlinson distracting the Curse long enough for me to escape while I still had my health."