John - 10/27/2007, 11:42 PM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most rancid fluid not included in a witch's potion, released news of the demise of the first of the new batch of endorsers. Jonathan Vilma, already cursed playing linebacker for the New York Jets, the only World League of American Football team incorporated into the NFL, is gone for the season.
Vilma reported symptoms of Chunky Soup toxicity earlier this week, following Jets practice. Vilma reported one of the first signs of Chunky Cursedness to team doctors: his knee hurt.
Team doctor R. Elbert Kung returned with worse news for Vilma. Following x-rays, Kung concluded Jonathan Vilma may need a full knee replacement. Chunky Soup had rendered Vilma's knee so porous that it "could probably not sustain a 100 pound woman for more than ten minutes upright".
The New York Jets will now be demoted to a class-A minor league indoor lacrosse team. Commissioner Roger Goodell noted, "Without Vilma, it is just criminal to allow NFL teams to pummel this shell of a franchise."
Following a brief moment to exorcise the ghost of Joe Namath's breath, Goodell said the NFL expects to promote the University of South Florida to the job of New York Jets in week nine.
The Curse noted, "Hurting Jonathan Vilma was an act of mercy. Dear God! Have you even watched the Jets this season?!"
One reporter replied, "No." Several other snickered.
Another reporter commented, "Seriously, you're not supposed to reply. You're supposed to act like you don't even know who the New York Jets are."
The original reporter responded, "But, without the New York Jets that guy on the King of Queens looks like a dumbass."
And another reported said, "No. He'd have to become a Giants fan. That would be an upgrade."
And finally another reporter said, "Nah. He'd wear Mets stuff. So he'd still look like a dumbass."
Jesus pal sports roboarm
Kurt Warner, the veteran of the brand new Chunky Soup Curse Senior League, was spotted last week sporting a gigantic robotic arm.
Pastor Pat Robertson notes it is an early dabbling into bionics for the Jesus soldier. "Kurt looks scarier than the maximum security wing of Hell."
New CBS Sports Cursiographer Steve Tasker noted, "Obviously Warner has had to replace his human parts with robot parts. Which I find disappointing, because I was hoping he'd take parts off the bodies of the dead."
Redskins safety Sean Taylor said, "During the game, a couple times, I heard him saying, 'Robowarner kill. Robowarner kill. Robowarner kill.' It fucked me up pretty bad."
When asked about his spanking new carbon fiber composite cyborg killing arm, Kurt Warner noted, "I can't get into heaven with the arms of a desecrated corpse. This totally works. I mean, you know Jesus would let Megaman into heaven. So, I'm still cool."
Contacted by ChunkySoupCurse.com for comment, God said, "The best part is when all that software from Cyberdyne goes apeshit Kurt still gets a free pass into heaven, because the robot arm did all the killing. Pretty cool, huh? And, yes, I totally did let Megaman into heaven, in 1987, the first time Capcom testers got him killed. Raising the dead rocks, so we gave him extra lives in order to promote the concept of the resurrection to children."
Curse denies involvement in San Diego fires
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most benevolent force since puppy love was abolished by the Twenty-First Amendment, denied any responsibility for the wildfires in San Diego. Many Curse watchers had speculated that the Curse was "taking it to a new level".
The Curse noted in a press release Saturday, "We didn't start the fire. No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it."
Curse follower Ezra Klein noted, "The Curse doesn't destroy whole cities. It has honor. It only destroys those fool enough to take money for an evil, cursed endorsement deal."
The Curse added, "I would also like to note that kicking people out of a stadium to hold an NFL game was just a dick thing to do. This never would have happened had Paul Tagliabue still been commish."
ESPN analyst Chris Mortensen noted, "Yeah. The NFL really is classless these days."