John - 9/24/2007, 12:38 PM - Curse News
At the end of week three of the NFL season, many Curse watchers are wondering if Campbell's Chunky Soup, the active ingredient in 2/3 of all the world's chemical weapons, has lost its edge.
While many newcomers to the cursed endorsement are experiencing slow seasons, none have seen the debilitating injuries we have all come to know and respect as the trademark of the CHunky Soup Curse.
Curse watcher Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated notes, "At this stage, even the Curse alumni are having good years. Donovan McNabb is still upright. Ben Roethlisberger has barely been hit by a defensive end, let alone a van. Heck! Kurt Warner!!! Kurt Friggin Warner came off the bench and almost led the Arizona Cardinals, a former minor league indoor soccer team, to victory against the Baltimore Ravens, presumed to be the best defense since the Confederate held the hill at Fredricksburg!!! Come on!! What is this crap?! I'm gonna insert a few more exclamation points for good measure!!!"
Others disagree with this assessment. Many point out that simply slowing down LaDainian Tomlinson, the greatest runningback since the NFL implemented the infield fly rule making it illegal to play pass defense and thereby undesirable to ever run the football at all ever forever, is an achievement in itself.
Rookie cursiologist Tim Hasselbeck of CBS Sports, and brother of reigning veteran Curse victim Matt Hasselbeck, said, "Experience shows that the Curse starts slow. Last year, yeah, it got started early with Ben Roethlisberger and the face-to-the-van gag. But the face-to-the-van gag is a classic, and Ben was a target of opportunity."
Chris Berman, longtime Curse follower agreed. "Come back at the end of November and tell me what you think of the Curse. It's week three. The Curse is like Jerry Rice in his prime. Rice wasn't always great, but when the end of the season approached, you knew he was going to deliver."
The Curse said, "I don't listen to the media hype. Every year you guys are writing evil cursed endorsements off. And every year we come back and prove you wrong."
The Madden Curse added, "Hey, I even caught up with Michael Vick, albeit a couple years late. Chunky? He'll recover. He's the heart and soul of this cursed endorsement deal squad. When we need him in November, he'll be there."
While rookie Chunky endorsers like Tomlinson and Larry Johnson have had slow starts, many serious NFL analysts think the slow starts have more to do with their teams really, really sucking.
Chris Collinsworth noted, during Football Night in America last night, "Larry Johnson sucks because the Kansas City Chiefs suck. You can hear the sucking sound whistling everytime another linebacker blows past their offensive line and decks Larry Johnson behind the line."
Contacted for comment, God seemed more optimistic. "My guy Kurt Warner is bouncing back. We've been looking for a great narrative, and faithful Jesus warrior Kurt supplanting Matt Leinart, best known for his work as Paris Hilton's lap dog, is the narrative we want. With faith in Jesus you can have two NFL comebacks, not one. Cursed endorsements be damned."
The new Senior League for ex-endorsers
Campbell's Chunky Soup has announced the formation of a Senior League for former endorsers of the evil cursed endorsement deal, the only deal worse than Edgerrin James going signing to play for the Arizona Cardinals.
For his part, Donovan McNabb seems to be just be thankful to be upright. "Well, right now I'm working on pissing off white people by pointing out that all racial biases about quarterback should be thrown out, considering that someone let Terry Bradshaw get a paycheck basically for handing the ball off to Franco Harris."
Curse followers fully expect McNabb to take the lead in the newly established Curse Senior League, which allows older former endorsers a chance to still sacrifice their dignity and their bodies for an evil soup.
"I'd be honored," McNabb said. "Having finally used the Campbell's money to pay that group of Salvadoran kidnappers to return my mother and my dog unharmed, I now look forward to being hurt and shamed as an ex-endorsers of Chunky."
Ben Roethlisberger, viewed as McNabb's strongest competition in the new Senior League, was less enthusiastic. "Dude, I'm young. Screw that!"
It should be noted that Roethlisberger's endorsement deals were signed purely out of greed. Ben noted, "I learned my lesson. Get off it."
Many note that Michael Strahan is rapidly passing both in the Senior League. Strahan not only has barely registered any tackles and no sacks, but he is forced to listen to the New York media bitch about it.
Said Strahan, "The Curse has many minions. Don't let the big name of Chunky Soup Curse fool you. Dweebs like Gary Myers -- a dude with build of a guy whose entire sports experience must be buying an air hockey table and using it once -- write crap in the New York Daily News about me [webpage link is from Strahan's original on-camera interview]. But follow the money trail. Who owns the New York Daily News? Get back to me when you have an answer to that. I don't have time to check Wikipedia, what with being a football player and all. But, I bet ya it is probably a shell company formed by an offshore company in Bermuda that is actually owned by a hedge fund whose majority shares belong to Campbell's. That's always how these things work out."
Campbell's promises it can handle hurting both the new endorsers and the Senior League.
"I just have to raise my game," said the Curse. "Really, this can be a net benefit, because I think the last few years I've been unchallenged with guys like Roethlisberger who don't wear helmets while doing face plants into moving vehicles."