John - 9/10/2007, 12:40 PM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most vile curse in the entire English language, debuted with a very slow start in Week 1 on the 2007 NFL season. The Curse did limit LaDainian Tomlinson to his worst performance since his rookie season. Donovan McNabb still clearly shows the effects of his run-in with the Curse after dropping the endorsement this season. McNabb said he felt no soreness in his Chunky-mangled knee, but many Curse watchers speculate this is because he has lost all feeling in the knee.
The Curse reassured observers that it will recover to its full glory. "I thought I did my job today against LaDainian. He's by far my toughest assignment and I thought exposing him as human was a good first step toward shredding him."
One report described Tomlinson as "hobbled". It should be noted Tomlinson was not in for the last several drives of the game.
Long-time Curse watcher Chris Collinsworth noted, "Getting LT isn't going to be like getting Ben Roethlisberger. You won't see LT flying face-first into a van while riding a motorcycle and not wearing a helmet."
Many Curse watchers had expected a black hole of doom to open up in San Diego, with the presence of Curse veteran Brian Urlacher and Curse rookies Devin Hester and Tomlinson on the field. While San Diego is still standing, many observers point out that the game itself was unwatchable.
Cursetographer Alan Markley pointed out, "I decided to go play poker online. Guh! That game was gaggerific. If San Diego's defense sucks so bad they gave up three points to the Bears, they don't stand a chance against any of the AFC teams that actually have gainfully employed professionals on offense."
Chargers general manager A.J. Smith noted the team fully expects LaDainian Tomlinson to succumb to the Chunky Soup Curse. Smith said, "We put a lot of cash out there for Michael Turner to backup LaDainian. We know better. By November, there is little doubt that LT will be hospitalized or maybe even dead."
Tomlinson's backup Michael Turner, a highly coveted free agent last off-season, said, "I feel sorry for LT. But, he made his choice. He's a grown man. Well, at least until Chunky's done with him."
The Curse was rather quiet on other fronts.
The Curse denied responsibility for the performance of Larry Johnson this week against the Houston Texans, a former Arena League team that joined the NFL after their own won a radio a contest. Said the Curse, "I take no responsibility for Johnson's play. He's just surrounded by a crappy team."
Observers were shocked to see a resurgent Ben Roethlisberger. The Curse commented, "I kept hitting him in the head. I wanted to try something new. But, apparently you don't need a brain to play quarterback in this league. Should've taken out his knees."
The Curse added, "Yeah, hitting Ben in the head was probably a bit futile. It's not like there was a lot of String Theory and calculus going on in there to start with. More Meow Mix theme and questions about whether he remembered to take his laundry out of the drier. Oh, well."
Tonight the Curse will be in Baltimore to try out newcomer Todd Heap. Curse veteran Kurt Warner will also be in action... still in Arizona, where God refuses to tread.