2007 Victim Inductee: Matt Hasselbeck

John - 8/14/2007, 12:09 PM - Victims

Matt Hasselbeck knew early on that the Curse meant business. Not long after signing with Chunky, the most vile fluid not injected by characters in a Tarentino film, the Curse attacked him. The attack led to the development of tendinitis in his foot.

This was compounded when fellow Seahawks backfield mate Shaun Alexander decided to take on the Madden Curse in the same year. Sure, Donovan McNabb had survived doing both curses in the same year, but Donovan McNabb didn't play for a defunct CFL team that had been sold to the NFL to pay off debts from the building of the Calgary Saddledome.
Then week 7 hit. With Shaun Alexander already on life support, the Chunky Soup Curse needed help from another Seahawks running back. It got that help from Mack Strong (made famous by his yellow "Mack Strong" wristbands, encouraging kids to pimp life out to the fullest every day). Strong blocked Vikings linebacker EJ Henderson into Hasselbeck, causing an MCL sprain in Hasselbeck's leg.

Four weeks later, Hasselbeck returned to the life of pain that is endorsing Campbell's Chunky Coup. By season's end, Hasselbeck has broken fingers and a broken a rib. And he had to play for a coach who looks like a cat.

During a discussion of the divisional playoff, Curse veteran Kurt Warner noted, "Huh? A mangled hand. That's really where it started going downhill for me."

Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren said, "Sure, a lot of people wouldn't feel pity for a guy whose blog refers to him in the third person. But, Matt needs some help, what with his mangled hand, mangled leg and mangled shoulder. So, we pay an intern to write his stuff for him."

The Boston Globe says Hasselbeck has "football in his blood".

The Curse smile upon hearing off this and chimed, "How long before that causes an aneurysm? Maybe a thrombosis. Would parasites be going too far?"

The off season was no better for Hasselbeck. He had surgery to repair a torn labrum in his left shoulder.

Seahawks general manager Tim Ruskell commented, "A torn labrum? Wha? He has girl parts?"

Ruskell had to be put down after his brain was caught in an infinite loop. Chunky claims no responsibility, blaming poor breeding decisions by the parents for Ruskell's death.

Hasselbeck enters the 2007 season as the lone returning veteran of the Curse. Ben Roethlisberger was so damaged by the Curse that he now assaults chunky people on the street, which isn't often, as he can barely walk most days. Donovan McNabb finally paid off the last of his debts to the mafia.

Hasselbeck's agent feels Matt can overcome the Curse. "After all, he did have to kill a bear with only a butterknife in order to get the starting job... Jesus Christ, they were gonna give that job to Jon Kitna, the former MVP of a quadriplegic basketball league! The Seahawks have had it in for Hasselbeck longer than some stupid curse."

Hasselbeck's agent was struck by an anvil to the head at the end of the interview. He died en route to the hospital while the ambulance driver stopped for some KFC, and spent three minute explaining that they just wanted mashed potatoes and gravy, nothing else. It was the girl's first day.

The Curse denies involvement, noting, "I would never endorse a competing product. Also, I love agents, because they get smart ideas like signing cursed endorsement deals."

The 2007 season looms large for Hasselbeck and the Curse. Updates will be added here as they emerge.

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