John - 4/30/2007, 1:01 AM - Curse news
Following an incredible 2006 campaign that bloomed late but proved to be the most successful to date, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the deadliest curse not involving a voodoo doll or a blind woman, announced an impressive hit list of NFL stars, including future Hall of Famer LaDainian Tomlinson. The Seahawks' Matt Hasselbeck also told reporters he hadn't had enough pain, suffering and degradation just yet, and will return as a spokesman for 2007.
The six other people who now have to look forward to lives of durress, torture, humiliation and even possible death are: Jonathan Vilma of the New York Jets, DeMarcus Ware of the Dallas Cowboys, Todd Heap of the Baltimore Ravens, Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs, Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jacksonville Jaguars and Devin Hester of the Chicago Bears.
The Chargers nation is already trembling with fear. Chargers management was clearly disturbed, resigning backup runningback Michael Turner.
Turner had wanted to leave the team to seek oput a starting position.
Upon hearing that Tomlinson had signed with Chunky, Turner said, "Could I have a 2000 yard season as the Chargers' starter? Maybe not, but LT sure as shit isn't going to make it to 500 yards before Chunky shows up and shreds both of his knees!! Woooo-hooooo! Hall of Fame here I come, baby!!!"
Chargers general manager A.J. Smith was found lying drunk at the top of San Diego's tallest building with a loaded pistol at his side.
Smith asked, "How could LT do this to us?! We built a team. A team so good even Marty Schottenheimer might have won a Super Bowl with it!"
San Diego head coach Norv Turner said he is seriously considering cutting Tomlinson. "I used to think LT was a standup guy. But, who would do this to the guys that have fought with him in the trenches? This makes me and the entire Chargers organization sick."
Many Curse followers consider the attempt to attack Tomlinson its boldest move to date.
Juan Cole, the Campbell's Professor of Cursography at the University of Michigan, noted, "Tomlinson has proved surprisingly durable. This is a guy who isn't going to hand Chunky a cheap win by riding a motorcycle without a helmet. He has good, solid knees. A good team around him. The Curse is going to have to earn this one."
Many observers also note that the Curse is taking on a big slate of proven players this year. One big shock was the Curse's decision to attack Larry Johnson the same year it attacked LaDainian Tomlinson.
Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards said, "The Curse, at this stage in its career, cannot possibly take on both the number one and number two runningbacks in the NFL. It won't happen."
Edwards inexpicably stubbed his toe against a misplaced anvil while leaving the press conference. Edwards muttered, "Go ahead, motherfucker, try me... just do it. Try me. Cursed soup my ass."
It is believed that current Curse favorites Donovan McNabb and Ben Roethlisberger were freed from the Curse when they tossed a Chunky Soup label into the fires of Mt. Doom.
With such a large slate of new victims, the recovering victims and their families believe this may be their chance to escape.
"Eight guys endorsed that goddamned soup," said McNabb. "I think I can sneak out the back while Chunky is hacking those poor slobs to pieces. LT... nice guy. Standup thing him dying for me and Ben."
Roethlisberger added, "Yeah, I'll have to send him a Christmas card."
Both men then laughed and cautiously exited the interview, watching for vans and Tennesee Titans defensive linemen.
Matt Hasselbeck is the returning veteran of the Curse this season.
"I can take it. What did I suffer? A bum knee? Humiliation? Being the crappiest team to ever make the playoffs?" asked Hasselbeck. "Please, I play pro sports in Seattle!! Nothing could be more emotionally crippling than dealing with people so fucking stoopid they think they invented the 12th Man in 2005. Fuckin retards."
While many Curse scholars believe the Curse intends to strike at the light of dawn, hitting Tomlinson in the first quarter of the preseason opener against Seattle, others are hedging their bets.
Longtime Cursiologist Stuart Scott said, "My bet is on week three of preseason. LT versus Adrian Wilson of the Arizona Cardinals. Wilson is the Hand of the Curse. Watch it. Norv Turner isn't gonna punk out and let LT sit the bench like Marty did during preseason. And I'll be damned if Marty ain't gonna be proven a genius. Boo-yah!!!"
The Chargers' schedule is stacked with opportunities for the Curse to double-dip, including games against the Bears, the Seahawks, the Chiefs, the Ravens and even the Jaguars.
Tomlinson appeared worried by the scheduling, noting, "The Jaguars? That can't be a coincidence. Have we ever played them? Is there even a team in Jacksonville? I mean, a pro team... is there?"
Michael Turner then broke in with, "You ain't making it to the Jacksonville game, LT."
Turner then added, "So long, and thanks for all the soup!"