John - 11/20/2006, 12:30 AM - Curse News
In full regalia, the Chunky Soup Curse arrived in Philadelphia Sunday with one goal: to fullfil its promise to every football fan this season. Every season, the Curse finds Donovan McNabb in November and hurts him. Mangles him.
Today was the day. Rolling out to his right against the Tennessee Titans, McNabb was pushed ever so slightly out of bounds. And innocent play. McNabb fell down. No big deal.
Until he tried to stand up and found a can of Campbell's Chunky Soup sticking out of his knee. Team doctors were able to avoid amputating McNabb's leg, but had to remove is anterior cruciate ligament, ending his season.
Asked about the obviousness of the Curse attacking in the form of a can of soup protruding from his leg, McNabb denied any connection. "The other day," said McNabb, "I had a Pez dispenser sticking outta my arm."
Asked if this meant he would finally give back the clearly, definitively proven evil Campbell's soup money, McNabb refused comment and began to cry.
Coach Andy Reid dismissed the notion the soup had any role. "Football is a violent game."
However, several anonymous source have told The Chunky Soup Curse website that McNabb is still deeply in debt to the mob.
Said one source, "How else do you explain it?"
McNabb's fortunes were already off to a bad start, as Philadelphians were celebrating the Second Annual Immobilize McNabb Festival. The Festival began in 2005.
Tradition holds that if Donovan McNabb suffers a season-ending injury in November it will herald the coming of a mild winter.
When Ben Roethlisberger heard about the injury, he was surprised. "You mean, that game against Cleveland was my fault? Dude, we're screwed against Baltimore."
The Curse went on record that the rest of its year will be committed to destroying Ben Roethlisberger.
"Since Hasselbeck is still rolling on the ground moaning like a bitch in heat, I only have one major task left this year," said the Curse. "Ben Roethlisberger has escaped me before. He won't again."
The Curse added that it had tried to get over to Pittsburgh in time to kill Roethlisberger. "Yeah, I'm a supernatural entity and whatnot, but I still can't bypass Philadelphia gridlock, even on a football day."