Chunky Soup vs God: the Kurt Warner story

John - 6/13/2006, 2:06 PM - Victims

'God used every area, every situation, to shape me. Then Chunky Soup happened.'
Kurt Warner, quarterback of the St. Louis Rams in 2001


Some stories of the Chunky Soup Curse are disturbing. Others, mildly amusing.

None compare the story of Chunky Soup's violent tangle with God's tool, Kurt Warner, former quarterback of the St. Louis Rams.

God

No player in NFL history has done more to invoke the name of and extol the virtues of Our Lord God.
Warner and God had not always been so chummy. God had played some cruel, Job-esque tricks on him, like sending him to the University of Northern Iowa, a defunct feedbag factory now refurbished to function as a diploma mill.

Then, because God is super-sneaky, he let Warner get to the NFL in 1994.

Warner was like, "Totally."

Then God cut him, sent him to work in a store.

The God's wrath turned worse: he sent Warner to play Arena League Football.

Never did Warner curse God's name. Nothing but love. Warner read his Bible, and he knew that everything turned up right for Job -- after God had slaughtered everything dear to Job on the rather shaky pretenses of proving a point to Satan.

Finally, God won his bet with Satan. Warner didn't break. So, God busted up the Rams' starting quarterback, Trent Green, and let Warner take the helm.

Warner took off like a he had a rocket in his ass ... although God-fearing people avoid that sort of thing when possible.

The Rams, a team that once lost an NFL exhibition game to a junior German Special Olympics soccer team coached by Carrot Top and Rodney Dangerfield, won the Super Bowl.

Soup meets God

Satan, in disgraced returned to Hell.

In Satan's absence, a new Hell had formed over at the headquarters of Campbell's, makers of various soup products. This New Hell was ruled by Campbell's Chunky Soup.

Fresh off its decimation of Terrel Davis, Chunky decided to take on God.

God accepted the challenge. Worse, Warner accepted the Chunky Soup endorsement contract.

Warner took the Rams to another Super Bowl two years later. There, Chunky unleashed its trap: the New England Patriots, the most vile instrument of evil since Hitler.

Chunky, like Vishnu disguised as some goofy Indian pagan idol, appeared in the form of Tom Brady and vanquishing the Rams.

Decent into Hell ... er ... Campbell's

In 2002, Chunky Soup decided to start breaking fingers. Suddenly, Kurt Warner could hold on to the ball, throw the ball or even identify the ball from a picutre.

By 2003, Kurt Warner was being laughed at by those gimpy people who come here from Third World countries to have dead fetuses and extra arms removed from their heads.

Warner then had a concussion against the Giants. It left him border-line retarded. He went on to fumble six times.

Despite no longer even being able to close his hands in a fist, Warner continued to fight Chunky Soup.

Warner was rewarded by the Rams. They turned his body over to the Giants in 2004. Said Rams coach Mike Martz, "You broke him. Now ya bought him. Get him out of here before he stinks this place up more."

The Giants eventually benched Warner in favor of Eli Manning. Despite numerous prayers for god to fell Manning, God could not prevail.

Chunky's last laugh

God finally apporached Chunky Soup with a cease-fire, afraid that Warner might commit suicide and end up in Hell for eternity.

Chunky Soup agreed, on one condition.

"What is that?" asked God.

Chunky replied, "He has to go play for the Arizona Cardinals."

God was appaled. Chunky wouldn't not budge. God took a huge risk with Warner's soul and agreed to the deal.

Chunky broke the cease-fire?

During the 2005 season, it became clear that Chunky was still playing dirty. Warner injured his groin and his MCL.

Chunky denies involvement. Recent tests concur. Scientists now believe the injuries were entirely the fault of the Arizona Cardinals, a team that makes the early 1990s Rams look like the Steel Curtain.

Theologians still blame Chunky for sending Warner to Arizona in the first place.

In 2006, the Arizona Cardinals drafter Matt Leinart, who acts a lot like a mentally retarded version of Tom Brady.

Chunky Soup claims it has washed its hands of the entire Warner affair.

God declined comment.

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