John - 10/22/2006, 9:47 PM - Curse News
Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous soup not served in a Thai restaurant, launched the largest sneak attack since the defeat of the Romans at the Battle of Teutoburg, viciously injuring both Matt Hasselbeck and Ben Roethlisberger and inflicting a humiliating late-game loss on Donovan McNabb.
The attacks came during what was supposed to be a bye week for Curse. Asked about the bye, the Curse noted, "I'm a frickin' evil curse! Of course I lied! I had to get back on track, what with these punks throwing the ball like all beat all! Come on! Roethlisberger had like 18 touchdown passes in the first half against Atlanta!! I had to do something!!!"
Early in the third quarter, the Chunky Soup Curse once again proved it is just like an attack dog -- more than willing to go for the face. The Curse, riding forth like Napoleon at Austerlitz, struck Roethlisberger in the head. Roethlisberger laid unconscious for several minutes before finally moving.
No cars were reported nearby at the time.
Chunky then made a quick stop-over in Tampa, where it assisted Bucaneers kicker Matt Bryant, a man who in 50 career games had never kicked a field goal longer than 22 yards, to nail a game-winning 61-yarder against the Philadelphia Eagles and quarterback Donovan McNabb.
McNabb, just before the kick, could seen along the sidelines mouthing the words, "Wow, these guys are so totally toast, ma--" His mouth suddenly shaped as an O when the Curse appeared at the end of Matt Bryant's foot, boosting the ball an amazing extra 32-yards further than expected.
Then the Curse flew out to Seattle, to finally welcome Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck to the Land of the Cursed.
Early in the second half against the Minnesota Vikings, a former CFL squad sold into the NFL by the Canadians in exchange for forgiveness of back rent on the Calgary Saddledome, the Curse rushed onto the field and dove for Hasselbeck's legs. Tangled up with Mack Strong, the Curse turned and rolled over Hasselbeck's leg, sending him away to the locker room for the rest of the game.
Mack Strong, after the game, said, "Well, with both Matt and Shaun out, maybe I'll be safe no longer sitting between two cursed players."
The series of successful injuries marks the end of the most successful week the Curse has had since November 2004.