John - 10/13/2006, 12:13 AM - Curse News
Kurt Warner, quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals, a team best known as the most fundamentally flawed entity in the universe besides the duckbill platypus, told reporters he is likely to surrender to the Chunky Soup Curse.
Said Warner, "It's hard to imagine this is what it has come to."
Even though Warner has not endorsed the soup in years, and Campbell's officially took him off the hit list, Warner still feels the effects of endorsing Chunky Soup.
The most recent effect was Warner's benching in favor Matt Leinart, a mentally disabled child most noted for being Paris Hilton's dog.
"I thought God could save me," said Warner. "But, after seeing a godless heathen like Matt being fondled by the world's skankiest bimbo, I realize that Arizona is a place beyond the reach of God."
God went on the record with an apology: "Kurt, I only sent you to Arizona so the soup would call off the kaibash. I am so deeply sorry. Yours Truly, God."
The Chunky Soup Curse issued a brief press release:
Kurt Warner was a worthy opponent. He fought longer and harder than many. But, in the end, he lost and I won. That is just how it is. I will honor my agreement with God to not torture Warner further. However, I will not vouch for what evils still await over the next three months in Arizona.
Kurt Warner is believed to already be under medical supervision for fear that he will meet the fate of another God-fearing Chunky Soup endorser, Reggie White.