Madden Curse takes first swing at Seahawks

John - 9/25/2006, 11:23 PM - Curse News

With the Chunky Soup Curse tied down attempting to murder and humiliate Ben Roethlisberger, the Marketing Axis of Evil has asked the Madden Curse to begin the demolition of the Seattle Seahawks.

The Madden Curse, while not as bloody thirsty as the Chunky Curse, is methodical. This weekend it struck Seahawks runningback Shaun Alexander.

The Madden Curse, like a virus felling an entire nation, seeped into Alexander's body causing a "non-displaced" fracture on a non-weight bearing bone in Alexander's foot.
In a brief statement, the Madden Curse promised more:

Unlike the Chunky Curse, I'm responsible for destroying one player a year. I mean, sure, if Alexander dies or whatever, I'll probably go pick on Donovan McNabb. Who the hell wouldn't!?!

But, in the meantime my goal is to harrass Shaun Alexander until he literally, physically cries the word 'UNCLE!'.

Until then, his ass is mine.

As of press time, the Chunky Soup Curse has given no indication whether it will make a move on Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have a bye week this week, and speculation is that the Chunky Soup Curse may decide to take the short trip out to Chicago to attack Hasselbeck during the Seahawks' game against the Chicago Bears.

There is some anticipation of the Curse's efforts to possibly assault Curse alum Brian Urlacher, middle lineback of the Chicago Bears, on the same play as it attacks Hasselbeck.

Cursiographer Juan Cole of Michigan University, noted, "As the Chunky Curse becomes increasingly violent, it is also becoming increasingly kinky. I think it will try to attack both Hasselbeck and Urlacher on the same play."

Roger Goodell, the NFL's new commissioner, added, "We've been in talks with the folks over at Campbell's, and the general inclination is toward something awful -- like Dennis Byrd or Mike Utley awful."

Goodell added, "The current computer sims we're running show something like happened to Joe Theisman..."

"... and combine that with Urlacher maybe incuring a major nerve injury in his shoulder or neck."

NFLPA head Gene Upshaw is working with the Curse to temper the impending disaster.

Said Upshaw, "Of course, as the head of the NFLPA, it is my job to stop things like this. We're trying to talk the Curse down to maybe just giving Hasselbeck a hamstring injury and leaving Urlacher with a mild concussion."

Upshaw added later, "In a year like this, who knows."

Agents for both players declined comment.

Shaun Alexander noted during a Monday press conference, "Thank God the Madden Curse took me off the field this week. The possibility of two Chunky players and one Madden player on the same field? It would have been the greatest threat to Western civilization since the Huns were threatening Rome."

The city of Chicago is already banning all sales of Chunky Soup. Regional broadcasters plan to black out all Campbell's commercials during the game.


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