Bill's preseason rankings

Bill - 9/6/2006, 3:39 AM - Curse News

I'm a little bit late on giving my preseason rankings. I was letting the dust settle on the latest attack of the Chunky Soup Curse. But there they are:

#5: Donovan McNabb, quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles. There's nothing special to this pick at all. He makes the list by default. The curse struck once, twice, and the third time's a charm. Chunky's finishing the job this time and it's personal.

#4: Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback, Pittsburgh Steelers. This one's a no-brainer. If you think about it, Ben's already out for the first game of the season and may or may not be back for the second. He's got metal in his face and he's missing internal organs. Chunky is cold and calculating. It's taking him apart, bit by chunky bit.
#3: Carson Palmer, quarterback, Cincinnati Bengals. This is the curse in reverse. You see, Chunky already has struck Carson Palmer. All that's left is his signature on the contract. However, Palmer's reluctant to sign. Perhaps, Chunky will have to give him an incentive. It's an offer he can't refuse.

#2: Jerome Bettis, NFL broadcaster, NBC. Yes, I am serious, Jerome Bettis will be taken out by the Chunky Soup Curse. It's a certainty. Do you remember when Kurt Angle did his sports segment for Fox 53 news? Do you remember when Dennis Miller was a broadcaster for ABC's Monday Night Football? Hell, look at John Madden for godssakes. I don't want to get off on a rant here, but I don't need to say anymore.

#1: Matt Hasselbeck, quarterback, Seattle Seahawks. This scares me. His commercials haven't even aired yet, but this Chunky rookie already reeks of Chunky Soup. People on the street just stare at him as he walks by. They're looking at a dead man. The winds have calmed and the birds have stopped chirping. It's coming. I can feel it.


Who will be the new victims:

So far, the only blip on my radar is Matt Hasselbeck. He's the new comer into Chunky Cursedom and the hazing will be rough. First indian burns and a couple purple nurples. Then an atomic wedgie in a jock strap. Is it possible? I don't know but it will hurt. After that, who knows?

Soup Watch

Kurt Warner. I am not convinced that God has a hand in his lousy performance in Arizona. Sure they beat the Steelers in the preseason, but the Curse was already with Ben and there has to be a winner. Warner got lucky that time, but the Curse collects on all debts.

Summary

This is the year that'll break the mold. The curse revisits some old friends and will introduce some new ones. There's a commercial featuring Mel Blount, LC Greenwood, Jack Ham, Ernie Holmes, Dwight White, and "Mean" Joe Greene. This is the toughest defense in NFL history. Can Chunky take them down? You won't see much chunkiness from Shaun Alexander. He's still washing dishes to pay for the Madden Curse. Urlacher is finished. Strahan though clean from Chunky for a year, has relapses now and then. Apparently, when you take a hit of Chunky Soup, it settles in the brain stem and small hallucinations occur now and then.

That's it for me. Let's just sit back and enjoy the ride.

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