John - 9/5/2006, 10:44 PM - Curse News
Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most sickening food approved by the Food and Drug Administration, continues to go deeper into the playbook.
This week, entering Week One of the NFL season, Chunky decided to play the biological warfare card against Ben Roethlisberger.
Roethlisberger earlier this week reported feeling sick to the stomach. An inexperienced trainer misidentified the problem as appendicitis. A more experienced staffer later revealed, off the record, that the illness was a symptom of the Chunky Soup Curse.
Our source said, "Clearly the Curse came back to try to finish Ben off."
Roethliberger, in a brief statement to media, said, "Enough. It's time for the Curse to show up on the field and finish this like a man."
Roethliberger then doubled over and said, "No, dammit. I mean it."
Hines Ward, who has never endorsed a soup ruled by a violent, evil and life-sucking curse, said, "He's doing fine and eating well and walking around."
Coach Bill Cowher declined comment.
The Chunky Soup Curse has finished the preseason strong, and many observers fear this could be the arrival of a dark age for the National Football League.
Frequent football observer Bryant Gumbel obviated, "If all the players are dead, then there will be no season. We'll all just have to watch hockey, I guess."
Calls to suicide hotlines nation wide jumped as American football fans became deranged by the thought of watching the NHL.
"No," said Stan P. Kochowski, 28 of Mars, PA. "No."
Donovan McNabb noted, "Well maybe if this damned curse keeps trying to kill Roethliberger I might be able to get to the end of December with my head still attached."
A spokesman from Campbell's responded, "We'll get McNabb. You can bet on two things in the NFL, man. Peyton Manning throwing interceptions in the playoffs, and the Chunky Soup Curse bringin' the pain against Donovan McNabb."
Despite the setbacks and the threat of horrific violence against its players, the NFL plans to go forward with the first week of the regular season.