John - 9/3/2006, 1:02 AM - Curse News
Throughout the season, we will be providing weekly Chunky Soup Curse rankings. Players will be ranked according to a number of factors, including:
- Likelihood of dying on the field
- Likelihood of a career-ending injury
- Likelihood of professional humiliation
- Other forms of humiliation or degradation
So, here goes the preseason 2006-2007 NFL Chunky Soup Curse rankings:
#5: Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback, Pittsburgh Steelers. Chunky Soup attempted to murder Ben on the freeway this summer. But, we see Big Ben steering clear of the Curse until late season, when the Curse, primed from other pickings, will return to finish the job.
#4: Mack Strong, fullback, Seattle Seahawks. Despite not being a Chunky Soup endorser, Strong will face the wrath of the Curse, allied with the Madden Curse in the Seattle backfield. While Madden tries to kill Shaun Alexander and Chunky tries to kill Matt Hasselbeck, Mack Strong will probably be crushed as the first collateral victim ever of the Curse.
#3: Michael Strahan, defensive end, New York Giants. The Curse has already assaulted Strahan's manhood, acting through a harpie of a wife to slander Strahan as a homosexual. The Curse will kick it up a notch, with a painful season-ending injury such as a pectoral tear.
#2: Matt Hasselbeck, quarterback, Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks, led by a coach who looks like a cat, are in for a Cursed year courtesy of Campbell's. Hasselbeck will be this years only major new victim, barring any mid-season endorsements.
#1: Donovan McNabb, quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles. Despite everything short of being dangled as meat for lions, McNabb continues to go back to the Cursed endorsement for payola. Until proven otherwise, McNabb is the annual pick for #1 victim of the Curse. Presuming the Curse doesn't kill him by 2007, he will be our #1 pick in 2007 also.
Who will be the new victims?
Every year, mid-season, the Curse eats a few more victims. Who will they be?
My money is on Matt Leinart, quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals. Why?
Because the Cards are poised to make a playoff run. The odds are against Kurt Warner surviving a full season at QB for the Cardinals. That means Matt Leinart will slide into the QB slot.
Campbell's loves to adopt rising QBs just as they fly into the stratosphere. Look at Warner, Roethlisberger and McNabb. Matt Leinart will suffer a gruesome NFC Championship game defeat after endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most virulent soup not found in a septic system in Latin America.
Another player to watch is Brian Urlancher, middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears.
There is a good chance that Urlacher will suffer a violent injury in mid-November. Urlacher is overdue for more Cursed goodness.The Bears have been an injury-prone team in the last few years, and this year will be no different.
Also, it is only fair to assume that the most violent agent of the Curse, Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson, will be out acting on behalf of the bone-crunching soup. Look for Wilson to invite a new endorser to the Curse before the end of December.
The Curse this year is sticking to a plan: murder Donovan McNabb, murder Ben Roethlisberger and welcome Matt Hasselbeck to hell.
The Curse is turning kinky, accusing Michael Strahan of being gay.
And the Curse will need fresh meat. Look for a handful of young defensive stalwarts, such as Jonathan Vilma of the Jets or perhaps Troy Polamolu of the Steelers to make the dangerous leap and endorse the deadly soup.
We'll see. Week one starts Thursday with a primetime showcase of the Soup's efforts to kill Ben Roethlisberger.