John - 8/31/2006, 2:31 PM - Curse News
ChunkySoupCurse.com is currently seeking confirmation of the most dangerous alliance since the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact made Josef Stalin and Adolf Hitler totally like BFF. Sources close to Electronic Arts are speculating that Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous liquid to human beings beside dihydrogen monoxide, has sought what is being termed a "strategic alliance" with the Madden Curse.
The Madden Curse recently attached itself to Shaun Alexander, runningback for the Seattle Seahawks, winners of the NFL's 2005 NFC minor league championship. The Chunky Soup Curse is currently eyeballing the destruction of Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck.
While a recent Zogby poll (+/- 3% MOE) showed that 88% of all American heads of household were aware of the dreaded Chunky Soup Curse, a mere 16% were aware of the Madden Curse.
The last alignment of the Chunky Curse and Madden Curse occured when Donovan McNabb risked his life by endorsing both products. McNabb and his career are still on life support. Doctors have yet to be able to remove the Chunky Soup from McNabb's system.
Scholars are speculating what the consquence of this alignment will mean.
Professor Juan Cole, of the University of Michigan, points out that Chunky did not kill McNabb. "However, McNabb had a degree from a real college. No betting what happens to a guy from a school like Alabama where they farm football players."
The CERN institute speculates that the two curses will rotate around a common center of gravity.
This bodes poorly for Seahawks fullback Mack Strong, the coolest name in professional sports. Strong has been lobbying coaches to abandon an I-formation and use a split-back formation so he won't be crushed by the collective force of the two curses.
During a speaking engagement at a public high school in King County, WA, while exhorting children that the phrase "mack strong" was not advice for improved sexual prowess, Strong appealed to all Sehawks fans to lobby coach Mike Holmgren, who looks like a cat.
"Please, Lord, don't let me get covered in Chunky Soup and repetetive video game announcer banter," cried Strong.
Strong reportedly received a phone call from Kurt Warner, informing him that God cannot save him from Chunky Soup. However, God offered to spare him some of the worst of Madden's cliches, such as "Whatever babbling play is a 'give up' play... Maybe they should try something else, or sacrifice the quarterback's first-born son or something."
The Seahawks have reportedly decided to keep their players in training camp for the entire season, under a suicide watch.
Max Strong will play the entire season without shoe strings for his football cleats.