Study: Chunky Soup more dangerous than alcohol

John - 8/20/2006, 2:44 AM - Curse News

A study quietly commissioned by the NFL in 2002 has finally released its findings per the NFL's concerns that Campbell's Chunky Soup may be endangering the lives of football players.

The study concluded that in point of fact, Chunky is more deadly than consuming a litre of pure grain alcohol while riding a moped toward a tractor trailer approaching at full speed.

The case of Koren Robinson wide receiver for the Vikings was noted a recent example.
Robinson recently was arrested for driving over 100 mph following a lengthy police chase.

Compare this to Ben Roethlisberger, who was driving at a safe speed.

The difference?

"Chunky Soup," said soupiologist Alan Markley. "Endorsing Chunky Soup has been shown to be six times more dangerous than shooting heroin while sky diving without a parachute."

Campbell's, the manufacturer of the most blood-stained soup outside the Middle East conflict, issued a short rebuttal:

"Chunky Soup is not dangerous."

That rebuttal was refuted by the NFL.

Said commissioner Goodell, "Campbell's Chunky Soup is the greatest threat to western civilization since Hitler and Stalin were still friends."

Competing soup manufacturer Progresso has said it aims to release an endorsement curse that will be at least 15% more deadly than the Campbell's curse. Campbell's dismissed such speculation as "utter bullshit from a babbling old who you probably paid to say that."

The AP denies paying babbling old men for any story not involving politics.

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