John - 6/13/2006, 12:39 PM - Victims
First commercial: 2002 Last: Still currently filming
No one player has probably done more - or suffered more - to bring the Chunky Soup Curse to the attention of our nation than Donovan McNabb, quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles.
Donovan's poor mom has had to suffer seeing her boy practically die on the football field.
Think your ankle sprain sucked?
Try the one Chunky Soup gave Donovan McNabb the year he did his first ad: McNabb had his ankled rolled by a Adrian Wilson, a safety (those are the really little guys you see hanging off those fatty halfbacks like Jerome Bettis).
In a sane world, a satefy hitting your ankle would be like a paper cut. It might piss you off, but you would get on with your life despite the pain.
In fact, this is what McNabb did.
One problem: after the game, it turned out his ankle sprain was a fractured leg.
Only weeks later did doctors conclude that Chunky Soup had made McNabb's bones brittle and prone to break. Said Dr. Patel Patel, "It was only a matter of time. Thankfully, it wasn't a rib cage injury, or he would probably be dead."
A quiet whisper campaign in the national sports press killed the news and Dr. Patel disappeared.
Chunky Soup has no mercy. Know this, and act accordingly. Think not? Has Rush Limbaugh ever talked smack on you? OK.
In 2003, Limbaugh started a controversy saying McNabb was overrated because the media wanted to see a black quarterback succeed.
Limbaugh resigned in disgrace after realizing that was probably offset by 40 years of the media wanting to see white quarterbacks succeed. Tom Brady could not be reached for comment.
Limbaugh would eventually be charged with various felony drug possession crimes. Limbaugh denies Chunky Soup played a role.
I'm with stupid ... or possibly retarded ... or maybe he's just an asshole
Then in 2004, to add Insult (yes, with a capital I) to injury (small i), Eagles management decided to punish Donovan in the worst way possible: they signed Terrell Owens, possibly the biggest jerk to ever play professional football.
This is by far the cruelest thing the curse has done to any player.
You cannot play quarterback when your best receiver catches the ball, scores a touchdown and then runs up to you and says, "Try to hit the spot better next time, Not-Favre" or "MCNABB YOUR SHOELACES ARE UNTIED! DON'T BE SO GULLIBLE MCNABB"
Yes. Terrell Owens. Chunky knows no limits to its cruelty.
Puking in a Super Bowl
Some players choke in the Super Bowl - Donovan McNabb was puking. Doubtlessly, he was puking up Campbell's Chunky Soup, his body shuddering and shivering to eject the vile curse before it killed him.
Many people called McNabb a wimp, even though he soldiered through and attempted to save America from the disgusting grin of Tom Brady and the quasi-evil New England Patriots.
To no avail. Tom Brady did not have a Chunky Soup ad running during the Super Bowl. Donovan? Ooops.
Chunky: adding injury to Insult and injury
2005. Terrell Owens disappears into the endless cave that is his ego. He would not resurface again until 2006, when gravity finally pulled him together with the next biggest asshole in the universe: Bill Parcells.
Donovan McNabb tentatively leaves his medically-prescribed bubble.
The world is safe. Donovan is happy.
CHUNKY SOUP TIME, BITCH!
Chunky Soup, disguised like Zeus as a bull, appeared in the form of the Atlanta Falcons. McNabb suffered a lingering chest injury that caused him to throw the ball like Jeff Garcia (Terrell Owens missed it -- damn!).
This was the dreaded chest injury Dr. Patel had warned would come.
Afraid of being called chicken (because McNabb has long modelled his life on the Back to the Future trilogy), McNabb once again soldiered forward.
Two months later, an alien ripped out of McNabb's chest.
The alien missed his aorta by half an inch.
Still doing commercials
2006 ... McNabb is still doing the Chunky Soup commercials.
Will Donovan McNabb go down in history as the first black quarterback to actually die on the football field in the modern era?
If Chunky Soup gets it's way, the answer is: yes.