John - 8/13/2006, 12:10 AM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup, the deadliest soup in the westernized world, showed up this afternoon in Glendale, AZ, but most NFL observers say the Curse just wasn't in game shape.
On the field were three NFL players tied tightly to the Curse: Kurt Warner, godparent of the Curse; Ben Roethlisberger, its second attempted murder victim; and Adrian Wilson, a long-time instrument of the Curse's cruelty.
Ben Roethlisberger played the Pittsburgh Steelers' first series only. On that series, the Curse showed how far out of game shape it is. Acting through Adrian Wilson, the Cardinals safety who originally brutalized Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, the Curse wiffed while trying to sack Roethlisberger.
Peter King, long time writer for Sports Illustrated, said he hadn't seen the Curse come into preseason this out of shape before.
"The Curse usually comes into camp looking to improve," said King. "Here was prime opportunity, and Chunky Soup just blew chunks. It was awful."
The Curse also had a chance to attack Kurt Warner several times. However, Almighty God, left tackle for the Cardinals, neutralized the Curse's pass rush.
After the game, Warner was impressed.
"I know it's preseason, but God usually hasn't held up to the Curse," said Warner. Warner then giggled and said, "I can actually walk away."
Many observers were afraid the alignment of three players under the influence of the Chunky Soup Curse would cause the world to implode, or the rivers to run with Chunky Soup, or something equally Biblical.
"I was surprised," said Cardinals head coach Dennis Green.
Bill Cowher, the Steelers head coach, was less charitable.
"Chunky just didn't show up with his C-game, let alone his A-game" said Cowher.
Cowher said he was looking to free agent acquisition Progresso Soup to pick up the slack at the position of acursed soup. Cowher is also giving a look at sixth-round draft pick, Flavorite brand tomato soup.
"At this point, any soup could be hurting people on opening day," said Cowher. "We gotta see who can go out and injure endorsers the best. We just hooked Willie Parker up with Progresso endorsement to see if we couldn't get out of benching him for being a flash in the pan. But, we'll have to see what pans out."
The NFL said it plans to go into Opening Day 2006 with Chunky Soup injuring endorsers.
Said new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, "Chunky Soup has been a slow starter in past years. But, when crunch time hits, Chunky Soup is an All-Pro. I don't see this slow start being a problem. If it is, we have other soups that are showing similar lethality."
Campbell's Soup, makers of the most violent soup for the world's most violent game, declined comment.
Chunky Soup will be in Green Bay next weekend for a preseason game against Ron Mexcio, aka Michael Vick.