Dancing with the Soup: the Victor Cruz Story

John - 10/22/2014, 7:46 PM - Victims

When the bill came due for New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz to pay his endorsement of Campbell's Chunky Soup, a fluid so nasty that even the ebola virus passes right by it, he proved unable to dance his way out of it.

Cruz, beloved by NFL fans for his salsa dancing moves following touchdowns, understood the need to use his talents to get ahead in life, but his desire to prosper turned to tragedy when the Campbell's corporation came knocking and offered him the most evil contract that a man can sign without pricking his finger and doing it in blood.
The effects of consuming too much of the disgusting soup caused Cruz's knee to give out, bringing the receiver's 2014 campaign to an end.

Many Curse watchers were surprised by the injury. The broad consensus was that his salsa dancing skills would allow him to evade any potential harm that might come to him.

Cursiologist Chris Berman of ESPN pointed out, however, "Salsa's not really that advanced. Tap-tap forward, tap-tap back. Hell, my fat ass can do it!"

Cruz attempted to be upbeat about the injury, but then broke down crying. "Football's a rough game! I needed the money! I'm so sorry." He had to stop speaking because his mouth was blocked by a snot bubble.

The NFLPA, the players' union, filed a grievance against the league. NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith told the press, "Despite the NFL's claims of a new emphasis on player safety, we still find a disturbingly high number of soup cans just laying around the field of play."

Smith added, "While we understand that expanding the league's operating margins requires some concessions to product placement, we feel that too many products on the field are ruining the product on the field."

Reached for comment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell responded, "Yeah, we totes value the safety of our players. That's why we've totes fixed all of the issues with linemen getting their brains rattled. Yeah."

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