Is the entire NFL being taken down by the Curse?

John - 9/19/2014, 12:22 AM - News

As the NFL faces more off-the-field pressure to disband itself and move than it has ever encountered in its storied history, many observers of professional football are starting to wonder whether the entire NFL might be a victim of the cursed endorsement deal that follows Campbell's Chunky Soup, a fluid so disgusting that the FDA only allows it to be fed to people with specific range of incurable cancers.

Speculation has risen that Curse is finally delivering its killing blow to the league. The Curse responded quickly and definitively to these claims.
Contacted for comment regarding the rapid breakdown of the NFL's legendary pimp-like hold over the minds of the media, the Curse issued a flat denial of any involvement:


Blaming an evil cursed endorsement deal for the decline of a corporate boondoggle like the NFL is absurd. Roger Goodell and his many friends have never needed assistance dragging the NFL down. Interest in the NFL is as broad and shallow as would be expected from a league that's founded on the principle that fantasy points and video games are more important than a solid pick-up block made by a runningback on third-and-long.

Like all modern sports leagues, the NFL is run by a commissioner who is a corporate stooge with limited vision beyond the bottom line. The NFL is no longer a grand tradition. It's an extractive institution not unlike a bank selling collateralized debt derivatives.

The NFL has no interest in humans except so far as they can be farmed for cash. Every player is just a blown knee away from going to bankruptcy court. Every fan is a bank account to be hacked and drained of its funds.

Why would any sensible person think that a player's wife would be of any more value to someone like Roger Goodell?


The Curse went on to take issue with the media itself:


The American media isn't blameless, either. To act as if it's a new discovery that a noticeable minority of NFL players might be a tad on the violent side is to ignore the laundry list of names of NFL players who've either met violent deaths or sent other people to violent deaths.

Somehow the national media managed to miss Rae Carruth entirely.

Aaron Hernandez? Didn't happen.

How about the spectacular death of Justin Strzelczyk during a head-on collision with a semi-truck while evading police pursuit?

Junior Seau? Junior Say-what?! Suicide related to brain damage, ya do say? Guess we'll form a commission and get back to you about that.

Ryan Leaf? Sheee-it, that's just drugs. No one cares about that!

If domestic violence is the issue, perhaps someone in the media ought to ask precisely why Hope Solo -- a female professional soccer player -- doesn't seem to merit much attention. The Curse thinks that the media doth protest a bit too much on one account and perhaps not enough on the other.

The NFL's problems today are a microcosm of the blamelessness that infests every cranny of American life, especially wherever there might be a profit to be made.

Trust me. I'm an evil curse endorsement deal created with DARPA money that was given to a soup company. I know a thing or two about how this stuff works.


Curse watchers were not surprised by the Curse's blanket denial. Peter King said, "The Curse does uphold a strange sort of prison gang code of honor. No one should feel surprise at the idea that it wants no part of this sort of thing."

Jay Glazer of Fox Sports added to the conversation by saying, "I use words sometimes."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell commented, "The league is looking into things, and we will soon commission a study on things that will recommend some things in order to allow the league to get past all of this as quickly and mechanically as possible."

Goodell went on to say, "I take immense pride in running the NFL in a cold, bloodless, efficient and psychopathic fashion, and I look forward to continuing to drive this great game face-first into the dirt in order to extract another fifty cents from the bank accounts of each fan."

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