John - 9/5/2014, 11:15 AM - News
One of the brashest players in the NFL has decided to take his chances by endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous fluid found during the destruction of Syrian chemical weapons stockpiles. His endorsement follows recent endorsements by Clay Matthews in 2013 and Victor Cruz in 2012. The ads are a continuation of the brand's commitment to its "Mamma's Boy" campaign, where loving but deranged mothers slowly destroy their sons careers by feeding them a soup loaded with toxic materials that lead to devastating sports injuries.
Sherman is widely considered the best cornerback in the NFL today, no small feet in a league where any attempt to do anything except help the receiver into the end zone and scream "Fuck yeah! Fantasy points!" is punishable by ejection from the game.
Curse observers believe that Sherman stands a better than average chance of not being hurt by the evil endorsement deal. Stuart Scott of ESPN said, "Look . . . in today's NFL, a cornerback isn't allowed any physical contact at all. He's basically treated like he has a serious and easily communicable disease. How is the Curse going to hurt Richard Sherman? Turf toe?"
NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell laughed at the suggestion that Sherman was immune from the Curse. He said, "Look, we've worked hard to make this league as candy ass and chickenshit as possible.
"If that should make it harder for an evil Curse to destroy a player's career," said Goodell, "then add that to the list of achievements that will be noted on the airport-sized plaque that will one day welcome you to the Roger Goodell wing of the Pro Football Hall of Fame."
Contacted for comment regarding Sherman's endorsement deal, the Curse told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "I'm leaning toward getting him with a jaw sprain, since that would really torture the shit out of a motor mouth like Richard Sherman."
Upon hearing about the Curse's remarks, Sherman responded, "Is Michael Crabtree friends with the Chunky Soup Curse? Or maybe it's Colin Kaepernik. Who knows?"
The Curse has said that it may need to be creative in order to get to Sherman. Richard Sherman is the first cornerback to ever endorse the vile fluid, and observers believe it will be hard for the curse to attack him by its usual methods, such as rolling a morbidly obese person into a victim's leg.
Curse watcher Terry Bradshaw said, "I look forward to see what creative solution the Curse uses to get at Sherman out on the periphery."
He added, "Hopefully the Curse puts a little more thought into than the 49ers did in the NFC Championship game. Cause . . . um . . . yeah . . . fucking wow did that not work."