Crazy British people rename Big Ben

John - 6/1/2012, 11:24 PM - Curse News

The United Kingdom today angered Pittsburgh Steelers fans everywhere by unilaterally renaming quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in honor of Queen Elizabeth II.

The Steelers Nation tweeted their outrage with the hashtag #7notaqueen.

The British Honorary Consulate in Pittsburgh was the scene of several flare-ups of street violence.

Honorary Consul Mark Nordenburg tried to calm fans by explaining, "Big Ben is a clock."

After that statement the hashtag #7notaclock began trending online.
Angry Steelers fans were quick to react. Janet Sanceweicz, of McKee's Rock, told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "Why would Big Ben be a clock? Are the Brits trying to confuse us into shutting up?"

Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Tribune review went even further. "It was only a matter of time. With that dumb game they play every season in London, the Brits got tired of waiting and decided to steal an American football landmark for themselves."

Following the torching of the British Consulate in Pittsburgh, British Prime Minister David Cameron phoned US President Barrack Obama to demand an apology.

In a live broadcast on the BBC, Cameron promised to lay waste to Pennsylvania to avenge the outbreak of violence.

"Big Ben is a clock," said Cameron.

Obama responded to Cameron's provocations, "Whatever I say, the Republicans are gonna say the opposite of that. So . . . I'm going with 'Cat' as my response."

As millions of British citizens were hastily evacuated from Pittsburgh, many British worried.

Said Effy Johnson, of Westminstershirechester Abbey, "Where the hell is Pittsburgh and why do we care they exist? I don't get it. Big Ben is a clock. Is this one of those Taliban things, where they think clocks are religiously offensive?"

Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl appealed for calm. "Look, we can't go house-to-house murdering British. It's just not efficient."

Ravenstahl ordered a police task force to setup so-called "Brit traps". The traps will be small bars called "pubs" that play pre-recorded soccer games very loudly while venting the smell of blood sausage and offal into the streets.

"Presuming this doesn't just attract rats," said Ravenstahl, "we can reasonably expect to have captured and exterminated over 90% of the British nationals living in Allegheny county within two weeks."

Overnight, the sky above Pittsburgh's infamous Limey district, opposite the Waterfront, glowed orange with glow of torched shops.

Pennsylvania governor Tom Corbett ordered National Guard troops into the city to restore order.

Said Corbett, "Big Ben is a clock."

Roethlisberger himself was subdued. "Meh, if you've been on the Southside on the weekend, those college kids get pretty out of hand. Especially right now with them all interning and doing nothing else during the summer. They have a lot of free time."

As for being a clock, Roethlisberger noted, "I've had my bell rung a lot. Sure. Fuck it. Just call me Queen Liddy and let's move on."

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