John - 4/14/2010, 1:23 PM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most vile thing outside of Ben Roethlisberger's bachelor pad, issued the following press release today in regards to the Steelers quarterback's recent legal run-ins and moral failures:
Dear members of the sports media,
I am writing you today to clarify my non-involvement in all happenings with regards to Benjamin Todd Roethlisberger, quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
As a member of the League of Evil Cursed Endorsement Deals, it is my privilege to uphold a high standard of conduct. This high standard of conduct includes making sure I am never present while Mr. Roethlisberger is drinking. That, and I like not having to burn my suit at the end of the evening.
Many people think the problem with Mr. Roethlisberger is a lack of maturity. This is untrue.
The problem with Mr. Roethlisberger is that he has the brain of Shaquille O'Neal coupled with the soul of Michael Vick.
This is a man who willingly rides in downtown Pittsburgh without a motorcycle helmet. He thinks it is clever to use "fixing his TV" as a pretext for propositioning a hotel worker for sex. He thinks a dingy bathroom in a bar in the South is great place to troll for ass. He thinks that when asked to answer for being a rapist, the best idea is to show up looking like the creepy uncle that no one will leave their daughter alone with at Thanksgiving.
Any of these actions by themselves is dumb. Taken as a whole, they speak to his character as well as his intelligence.
When your standard pick-up line is, "Hi, I've won two Super Bowls, I have a hundred million dollars and I am 100% available" and you still pull this shit, there's something broken inside of you.
Mr. Roethlisberger has been in the NFL long enough to watch the misconduct of other players, including one as esteemed as Jerome Bettis, face similar accusations. The fact that none of this has registered even after his own incidents tells you all you will ever need to know about Ben Roethlisberger.
Pro athletes walk around with a bull's eye on their backs. That's the trade-off for being handed absurd stacks of cash in your 20s. And the smart athletes do what Brett Favre does: become a recluse and live in a rural compound with no access to the outside world until you decide to go to training camp.
Failing that, do what Kurt Warner did: find Jesus and marry a chick who will kick your ass.
And failing that, do what Lawrence Taylor did: keep it strictly drugs and violence.
When your intelligence level is poor enough that Terry Bradshaw gets to talks shit on you, it's time to worry. When your life choices are so bad that Michael Irvin gets to talk shit on you, it's time to change.
None of this will happen. Ben Roethlisberger is a dumb and mean 6'5" child with unlimited resources.
As an evil curse, it is my duty to not be there when Mr. Roethlisberger finally screws up big time and ends up needing some help weighing down a dead 20 year old woman as he tosses her into a murky river.
Mr. Roethlisberger would have to improve his behavior just to get up to being a cliche about athletes lifestyle choices.
Mr. Roethlisberger is the worst possible combination: cruel and stupid. He's like a prison guard, only with the backing of a lazier union. I will have no part of his off-the-field failures. And wherever there is a fat lineman rolling toward a knee, I will do my level best to ensure that knee belongs to Ben Roethlisberger.
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