John - 1/9/2010, 11:46 PM - Curse New
The NFL world was stunned to discover that Cincinatti Bengals runningback Larry Johnson has been a robot all along.
The news came to light after the Bengals said they had "deactivated" for their game against the New York Jets.
Johnson is most famous for his brief endorsement of Campbell's Chunky Soup, a food so foul that it cannot be found in Chinatown.
Curse watchers now believe they can make sense of Johnson's antics following his deactivation.
Said Cursiographer Peter King of Sports Illustrated, "It's pretty clear that all that savory hot soup must have melted a critical capacitor in Larry's system."
The Kansas City Chiefs sold Larrybot 2.0 to the Bengals following a serious of inexplicable rants by the robot online.
Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli said, "Well, now that everyone knows that Larry was a robot, I think we can all agree that his departure from the Chiefs was a technical decision and a sound one at that."
The Bengals will box Larrybot 2.0 and keep him in storage until such time that Cedric Benson's knees give out. Based on NFL statistics, that should happen around week six of the 2010 season.
Larry Johnson is now listed as only the third robot to play in the NFL, not counting the Fox NFL Sunday robot, which is actually just a motion capture of a man limbering up for a session of tantric sex. The previous NFL bots were Kurt Warner's arm, of the Arizona Cardinals, and Brad Muster, a semi-mythical being who briefly player for the Chicago Bears of the Tecmo Super Bowl League in the same season Bo Jackson played. Muster was famously destroyed in 1992 by Linda Hamilton.
The Bengals training staff will keep Larrybot 2.0 oiled during the offseason. His personality algorithm will continue to remain active and will spend the winter mosting hate-filled homophobic rants against Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, while also posting incestuous remarks extolling the virtues of his dad, Larry 1.0, a failed Microsoft operating system terminated in 1994 with the introduction of Microsoft Bob.