Curse News

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2007 Chunky Soup Curse victims announced

John - 4/30/2007, 1:01 AM - Curse news

Following an incredible 2006 campaign that bloomed late but proved to be the most successful to date, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the deadliest curse not involving a voodoo doll or a blind woman, announced an impressive hit list of NFL stars, including future Hall of Famer LaDainian Tomlinson. The Seahawks' Matt Hasselbeck also told reporters he hadn't had enough pain, suffering and degradation just yet, and will return as a spokesman for 2007.

The six other people who now have to look forward to lives of durress, torture, humiliation and even possible death are: Jonathan Vilma of the New York Jets, DeMarcus Ware of the Dallas Cowboys, Todd Heap of the Baltimore Ravens, Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs, Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jacksonville Jaguars and Devin Hester of the Chicago Bears.

The Chargers nation is already trembling with fear. Chargers management was clearly disturbed, resigning backup runningback Michael Turner.

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November is Hurt Donovan McNabb Month

John - 11/20/2006, 12:30 AM - Curse News

In full regalia, the Chunky Soup Curse arrived in Philadelphia Sunday with one goal: to fullfil its promise to every football fan this season. Every season, the Curse finds Donovan McNabb in November and hurts him. Mangles him.

Today was the day. Rolling out to his right against the Tennessee Titans, McNabb was pushed ever so slightly out of bounds. And innocent play. McNabb fell down. No big deal.

Until he tried to stand up and found a can of Campbell's Chunky Soup sticking out of his knee. Team doctors were able to avoid amputating McNabb's leg, but had to remove is anterior cruciate ligament, ending his season.

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Curse: Pittsburgh loss not my fault!!!

Bill - 10/30/2006, 9:34 PM - Curse News

Pittsburgh's loss in Oakland Sunday came as a shock to everyone, but as everyone looked to the Chunky Soup Curse for an explanation, Chunky threw up his hands in defense, "Hey, don't look at me! I have an alibi! I was in Philadelphia trying to kill Donovan McNabb!"

The Oakland Raiders won the game at home against the Pittsburgh Steelers 20-13 in what was possibly the worst game in Steelers franchise history. Just looking at the stats of the game, it would seem that the Steelers whipped the Raiders asses. However, with the Steelers going for 360 yards against Oakland's paltry 98 yards, how could they lose?

Apparently, easily.

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Chunky Soup scores big in Week 7

John - 10/22/2006, 9:47 PM - Curse News

Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous soup not served in a Thai restaurant, launched the largest sneak attack since the defeat of the Romans at the Battle of Teutoburg, viciously injuring both Matt Hasselbeck and Ben Roethlisberger and inflicting a humiliating late-game loss on Donovan McNabb.

The attacks came during what was supposed to be a bye week for Curse. Asked about the bye, the Curse noted, "I'm a frickin' evil curse! Of course I lied! I had to get back on track, what with these punks throwing the ball like all beat all! Come on! Roethlisberger had like 18 touchdown passes in the first half against Atlanta!! I had to do something!!!"

Early in the third quarter, the Chunky Soup Curse once again proved it is just like an attack dog -- more than willing to go for the face. The Curse, riding forth like Napoleon at Austerlitz, struck Roethlisberger in the head. Roethlisberger laid unconscious for several minutes before finally moving.

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There is no God in Arizona

John - 10/17/2006, 12:31 AM - Curse News

The Chunky Soup Curse is presently denying any involvement in the Arizona Cardinals historic disaster on Monday Night Football.

"I was there as a spectator in section 23-C," said the Curse. "Nothing more."

The Curse pointed out that Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher was in on a key forced fumble that turned the game late. "If I were involved with this game, I would have done something kinky, like have Brian break his arm while pulling the ball from Edgerrin James."

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Is the Curse playing hurt?

John - 10/15/2006, 8:02 PM - Curse News

The whispers have begun. Ben Roethlisberger is off the skids? Another good game from Donovan McNabb? Matt Hasselbeck recovers from his bear mauling to beat the Rams late? Is the Chunky Soup Curse playing hurt?

"No," said longtime Curse victim Donovan McNabb. "We, the Curse victims, are just learning how to play through it. I sat down with Ben and Matt and we talked about what helped."

Roethlisberger confirmed the talk. "Well, I know what hurts -- not taking that damned endorsement money!!!" Roethlisberger than ran away tossing cash into the air and laughing.

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