Curse News

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Larry Johnson makes two; Heap makes three

John - 11/16/2007, 11:45 AM - Curse News

Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson has begun his demise, courtesy of Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most hideous fluid seen during my recent STD consultation. The Chiefs medical staff reports that Johnson has a foot injury, with a broken bone.

However, Dr. Seamus McIntyre, of the Chunky Institute for Chunkiography, said Johnson's prognosis is much worse than has been reported. He notes, "Chunky Soup poisoning is often first noticed in porous bones. However, Larry has advanced much more rapidly than some other victims."

The doctor said that Johnson's bones are not turning porous like other victims have experienced. Instead, Johnson's bones are turning to powder inside his body.

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The first of the new batch is done, Jonathan Vilma

John - 10/27/2007, 11:42 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most rancid fluid not included in a witch's potion, released news of the demise of the first of the new batch of endorsers. Jonathan Vilma, already cursed playing linebacker for the New York Jets, the only World League of American Football team incorporated into the NFL, is gone for the season.

Vilma reported symptoms of Chunky Soup toxicity earlier this week, following Jets practice. Vilma reported one of the first signs of Chunky Cursedness to team doctors: his knee hurt.

Team doctor R. Elbert Kung returned with worse news for Vilma. Following x-rays, Kung concluded Jonathan Vilma may need a full knee replacement. Chunky Soup had rendered Vilma's knee so porous that it "could probably not sustain a 100 pound woman for more than ten minutes upright".

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Is the Chunky Soup Curse losing a step?

John - 9/24/2007, 12:38 PM - Curse News

At the end of week three of the NFL season, many Curse watchers are wondering if Campbell's Chunky Soup, the active ingredient in 2/3 of all the world's chemical weapons, has lost its edge.

While many newcomers to the cursed endorsement are experiencing slow seasons, none have seen the debilitating injuries we have all come to know and respect as the trademark of the CHunky Soup Curse.

Curse watcher Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated notes, "At this stage, even the Curse alumni are having good years. Donovan McNabb is still upright. Ben Roethlisberger has barely been hit by a defensive end, let alone a van. Heck! Kurt Warner!!! Kurt Friggin Warner came off the bench and almost led the Arizona Cardinals, a former minor league indoor soccer team, to victory against the Baltimore Ravens, presumed to be the best defense since the Confederate held the hill at Fredricksburg!!! Come on!! What is this crap?! I'm gonna insert a few more exclamation points for good measure!!!"

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Curse starts slow but steady in Week 1

John - 9/10/2007, 12:40 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most vile curse in the entire English language, debuted with a very slow start in Week 1 on the 2007 NFL season. The Curse did limit LaDainian Tomlinson to his worst performance since his rookie season. Donovan McNabb still clearly shows the effects of his run-in with the Curse after dropping the endorsement this season. McNabb said he felt no soreness in his Chunky-mangled knee, but many Curse watchers speculate this is because he has lost all feeling in the knee.

The Curse reassured observers that it will recover to its full glory. "I thought I did my job today against LaDainian. He's by far my toughest assignment and I thought exposing him as human was a good first step toward shredding him."

One report described Tomlinson as "hobbled". It should be noted Tomlinson was not in for the last several drives of the game.

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Some linkage from the print world

John - 8/1/2007, 11:55 AM - Curse News

The harbinger of a new NFL season is upon us: the Hall of Fame Game. The HoF Game is of course an opportunity for second string punters to audition to be mid-season replacements. It is also the one week out of the year that Canton, OH is known for something besides ... A few people mistakenly think A Christmas Story was filmed there. That's in Cleveland.

The city paper in Canton, the Repository, did a nice write-up on the Chunky Soup Curse and It is only fair that I throw back some linkage love to them and writer Ed Balint. Check out the article by clicking here.

I strongly encourage you to buy a copy of the paper. Not because I want to financially support the Canton Rep, I just want you to make it to page 32 and see the article sitting next to not one, but two ads for titty bars. Someone pasting up pages deserves a big nod for knowing our demographic. High fives all around!

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Cowboys fans are first to worry in 2007

John - 6/9/2007, 6:03 PM - Curse News

The Chunky linkage has been coming in hot and heavy from Cowboy country today.

Observe the fear spreading like spilled Chunky Soup on a sloped surface: http://cowboys.beloblog.com. The fear soon spilled across the plains, to KC: to the bug-eyed creatures of the Chiefs Planet. Even Aggies fans felt the fear (registration required to join their pain).

Then The 'Boys Blog happened upon this crime -- video of an actual coven / commercial filming with the new victims all together. Cowboys fans? Please make sure DeMarcus Ware is riding motorcycle with a helmet firmly in place.

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