Curse News

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Curse strikes Tomlinson fast

John - 9/18/2008, 3:20 PM - Curse news

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, recently appointed the vengeful living god of a cargo cult in Papua New Guinea, struck the NFL early and hard. Chargers runningback LaDainian Tomlinson, the greatest LT since Lawrence Tynes suffered an injury to his big toe.

After touching the ball only 12 times in the Chargers heartbreaking loss to the Ed Hochulli-led Denver Broncos, Tomlinson has been suffering from a sore big toe on his right foot.

Chargers doctor R. Elbert Kung told the media, "The swelling is clearly consistent with a Chunky Soup infection. We plan to amputate above the right knee later this week."

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Curse wraps another uneventful preseason

John - 8/27/2008, 2:33 PM - Curse news

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the darkest dangerous vortex of evil outside of the Republican Senate Campaign Committee, broke camp Tuesday, saying good-bye to its roommate, the Madden Cover Curse, with little to be excited about. With one endorser this season, the Chargers' LaDainian Tomlinson, sitting the whole preseason, the Curse has largely focused on drills and workouts.

Dr. R. Elbert Kung, the strength and conditioning coach for the squad of evil cursed endorsement deals, said, "It's a long season. Anyone who knows Chunky knows that he wants to be their in November. September's something the Curse survives. When the run for the playoffs comes, that's when we want to be ready."

The Curse said, "I've been working on drills. Like the other day, we practiced rolling fat guys into a dummy's legs. Later we practiced grabbing guys from behind and buckling their knees with an awkward takedown."

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LaDainian Tomlinson to single-handedly attack Curse?

John - 5/12/2008, 12:09 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Soup Company, a joint venture of Omni Consumer Product and Weyland-Yutani, announced today that its 2008 Chunky Soup ads will feature LaDainian Tomnlinson.

Current details indicate Tomlinson will be the sole spokesman featured in the campaign.

Chunky Soup Curse watchers were stunned. Said long-time Curstographer Steve Tasker, "I think the Campbell's may be trying to see if they can get a man actually killed on the football field. There really is no other rational explanation."

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Down goes evil! Down goes evil!

John - 2/4/2008, 1:05 AM - Curse News

The New England Patriots, the worst threat to civilization since Mongols conquered half of Eurasia, discovered that they are not and will never be the greatest evil in the National Football League.

Two weeks after the Pats revealed their secret pact with the Campbell's Chunky Soup, the nastiest product not associated with feminine itching, and its dreaded Curse, they were betrayed.

Said the Curse, "I got what I wanted from the Pats. I needed them to destroy LaDainian Tomlinson."

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Mexican hookers took down my web server

John - 1/27/2008, 1:06 AM - Curse news

Seriously. They did. Read all about it at my web design blog...

I apologize to all the folks who missed out on the Curse today because the server dragged to a halt.

And the Mexican hooker story is true. Without going into too much detail, basically some guy's Mexican hooker website resolves to the IP address of the new, upgraded server that the Curse website happens to reside on.

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Tomlinson down, Pats win, Evil is on the march

John - 1/21/2008, 2:12 AM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the world's leading source of ill-begotten nutrition, entered the 2007 season being told it had lost a step. Observers claimed the Curse had bitten off too much by attacking the league's top two rushers and six other NFL stars. Said Curse observer Stuart Scott, "The Curse bit off too much going after LT and LJ in the same season."

But with the end of the AFC Championship Game, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse stands astride the great continent of North America as the conqueror of its greatest sport, the National Football League, and in alliance with the New England Patriots, the most powerful force for evil since a snake told a chick to eat an apple.

Announced the Curse, "LaDainian Tomlinson is officially decreed a victim of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, on this date of January 20, 2008."

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