Curse News

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Could Steelers-Chargers playoff game end the world?

John - 1/9/2009, 4:01 PM - Curse news

Cursetologist Bill Simmons announced today that his research indicates a 8.4 percent risk that the impending Steelers-Chargers AFC playoff game will spell the doom of the entire Earth.

Said Simmons, "With the arrival of LaDainian Tomlinson in Pittsburgh, the Earth transits to its greatest peril since the Cuban Missile Crisis almost became a shooting war."

Simmons in an open letter to the NFL, the FCC and the United States Congress demanded the immediate cancellation of the showdown of two of the greatest Chunky Soup Curse victims ever, Tomlinson and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

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Court clears Chunky in Detroit Lions case

John - 12/10/2008, 12:05 AM - Curse News

The United States District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan dismissed a suit brought on behalf of Detroit Lions fans against the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most innocent curse since the unaired episode of The Flintstones where Barney almost beats Bam Bam to death when he mistakenly believes Bam Bam said "darn" when he was in fact saying "car".

Chief Judge Bernard A Friedman told reporters, "Never in my years of judging stuff have I seen a more baseless accusation hurled about needlessly by such desperate people."

After leaving the courthouse, the Curse said, "Innocent? Was it ever in doubt? Look, I'm sorry Lions fans, but it is time to accept that your team not only sucks, but has sucked for a long time."

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Eagles ask McNabb to practice for OT shootouts

John - 12/9/2008, 11:22 PM - Curse News

After a Tuesday afternoon practice, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb walked out on the team.

Toward the end of drills, Eagles coaches handed McNabb a hockey stick and asked him to practice shooting the football between the uprights should the team face an overtime shootout during the playoffs.

After bouncing several footballs off the crossbar, teammate Brian Westbrook informed McNabb that while NFL games can end in ties, the NFL never uses a shoout.

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Curse denies involvement in McNabb benching

John - 11/25/2008, 11:22 AM - Curse News

Last Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles finally took their least favorite dog, quarterback Donovan McNabb, and shot him in the face, benching him in favoring of backup Kevin Kolb, what was recently fired as an assistant manager at the Doylestown Wal-Mart.

Many sports fans were quick to blame the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, an entity more cursed than all cattle, according to the Book of Genesis. But, the Curse denies all involvement.

"Look, I get how the soup has fouled his brain enough to keep playing in an armpit like Philadelphia," said the Curse, "But I was not on that field that day."

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Has Chunky Soup destroyed Donovan McNabb's brain?

John - 11/19/2008, 12:27 AM - Curse News

Campbell's Chunky Soup, a material so corrosive it was once used by coolies during the construction of railroads in the Pacific Northwest, is known for causing many defects. Knee injuries. Back injuries. Cyborg legs. Truck-to-face injuries.

Add brain damage to that list.

Curstographer Matthew J. Darnell recently exposed McNabb's severe mental deterioration on his blog. Darnell noted that McNabb, a 10-year veteran of the National Football League, is now so mentally defective he does not know that NFL games can end in a tie.

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State of the Curse

John - 11/9/2008, 11:40 PM - Curse News

As November rolls in like a lamb, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most targeted form of evil since the Genesis torpedo was launched, is fat with victory. And hearty chunks of beef.

LaDainian Tomlinson continues his march to mediocrity with the assistance of the San Diego Chargers. A brave little soldier, her troopers on as the Chargers desperately try to remain better than the Chiefs and the Raiders.

Speaking of the Chiefs, the Curse denies all involvement with the decline and fall of Larry Johnson. Johnson, who was recently arrested for being an asshole, continues to baffle the NFL with his incapacity to grow-up. Former coach Dick Vermeil told ESPN Radio last Friday, "Told ya so."

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