Curse News

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Chunky Curse lands first victim of '09

John - 9/16/2009, 1:18 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most singular evil to strike America since the Great Chicago Cootie Outbreak of 1976, struck a long-time Curse favorite, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

The Curse strike out of nowhere -- Carolina Panthers corner Richard Marshall jammed McNabb in the back as the QB dove hard toward the end zone to score. McNabb landed hard on a patch of turf where Fox Sports camera showed on replay there had been a Chunky Soup can sticking out.

NFL turf guru George Toma was not surprised to hear of a soup can sticking out the turf.

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Madden Curse lands first blow of the season

John - 9/11/2009, 9:30 AM - Curse News

The Madden Cover Curse, the most evil curse in the world when the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse takes its six weeks paid vacation every year, scored the first blow of the Evil Cursed Endorsement Deal League season, felling Steelers strong safety Troy Polamolu.

Curse followers were surprised by the method, though. The Madden Curse when for the knee, a practice more commonly used by its friendly competitor, the Chunky Curse.

In the past, the Madden Curse has opted for strange tortures. Michael Vick, on the cover of Madden 2004, was jailed for two years for dog fighting. Brett Favre, on the cover of Madden 2009, is still suffering from being an L7 weenie. And he has to go through life being Brett Favre, who is, let's be honest, kind of a douche -- a harmless douche, but a douche nonetheless. And in continuing news, Donovan McNabb, Madden 05 cover girl, still has to play in Philadelphia, home of the shittiest sports fans who ever dared to breath the air shared by actual humans while we're standing here needing it.

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Curse denies involvement in Roethlisberger case

John - 8/19/2009, 11:24 PM - Curse News

Campbell's Chunky Soup, the food that defines haute cuisine among the homeless, denied any involvement by the company or its evil cursed endorsement deal in the ongoing civil action against Ben Roethlisberger.

Said the Curse, "Dude? Give me some credit. I'm an evil frickin curse! I've got standards to hold up."

Suspicion has arisen in recent weeks that the Curse has some involvement in the ongoing civil court rape complaint filed against Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

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Curse uses off-week to batter Tomlinson

John - 1/28/2009, 10:44 AM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the greatest threat to civilization since the 1918 H1N1 flu strain, spent the off-week before the Super Bowl piling further despair upon LaDainian Tomlinson.

Rioting broke out in San Diego after Chargers general manager A.J. Smith told local media, "LT is a pantywaist. One time, I saw him struggle to flip the lid open on a plastic ketchup bottle. I saw him strain and strain and strain. And then, instead of the lid opening, I smelled poo. It was horrid."

Rumors abound that Smith had a sitdown with the Chunky Soup Curse, where Smith asked the Curse what it would take to make him back off. The Curse reportedly told Smith, "Trade him to Detroit."

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Curse practiced in full pads Saturday

John - 1/18/2009, 1:28 AM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most evil curse not performed by Sicilian grandmothers, came into the cursed endorsement deal practice facility read to hit hard.

An anonymous Curse insider said the Curse practiced in full pads at full speed this Saturday in preparation for Sunday's conference championship games.

When asked about the harsh regiment, the Curse responded, "Look. L.T.'s down. No question this season was a success, but now we've got to focus and clean up some of these loose ends."

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Playoff wins guarantee a Cursed Super Bowl

John - 1/11/2009, 10:07 PM - Curse news

Many Curse watchers awoke from their Sunday afternoon drinking binges to discover that the Curse victims were on the march.

Curse alumni Kurt Warner, Ben Roethlisberger, Donovan McNabb and Todd Heap were instrumental in leading their teams to the AFC and NFC conference championship games.

Curse watcher Steve Tasker told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "I am stunned. Obviously, Warner is in Arizona and therefore beyond the laws of God or evil cursed endorsement deals. But McNabb and Roethlisberger? This is dangerous. Evil hasn't been in this discredited since Microsoft debuted Windows Millenium Edition."

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